My son is 13 weeks old today and I have yet to write about my birth story. There's more to come soon....and yes, I had another boy!

Talking to my son on the phone while he's away and listening to him laugh about something. It's the most innocent, pure and sweetest sound and fills my day with inexplicable happiness and peace.His laughter is a reminder that he's still a child with so many years of being "grown" ahead of him. But in that moment when I hear him laugh he's still my little boy and it's alright...

My older sister, Sharon, got married on our tiny but perfect island, St.Croix, on July 3, 2011. This was one of the most special, God centered, and perfect weddings I have ever attended. She and her husband, Matt, were married on a beach. There were intermittent showers all day and we all prayed she'd have sunshine during her ceremony. As it would be, in the middle of the ceremony, the showers came and continued. We all remained rooted in our positions and her ceremony continued without so much of a blink of an eye. She was serene and her husband was also cool and collected. It was just so perfect. We were all drenched, her wedding dress was stuck to her skin and her wavy hairstyle was limp from the rain....and she couldn't look more beautiful than at that moment. Despite the rain and a few other mishaps her wedding was a reflection of her relationship with her husband. They were sure to include how much God meant to them and their relationship and how much they meant to each other. The wedding was almost a reflection of what marriage is...there will be unexpected moments that could possibly cause stress and irritation but it's HOW you handle those moments that will make the difference.

I'm so happy for them and I pray they have a long, happy and blissful marriage.

Congrats Matthew and Sharon!

Waffles for dinner.
Singing along to Jill Scott together.
Feeling +1 move around and marvel always at this life.
Sacrifices.
Sleep overs that include pillow fights and talks deep into the wee hours of the morning.
Annoyances.
Silly jokes noone else gets.
Having your ace all the time.
Not wondering what he's thinking or if he'll call.
Feeling special.
Sometimes rolling eyes.
Talking about your children with pride and irritation...but knowing their yours.
Listening to the same stories over again with the same enthusiasm.
Favorite snacks to cheer you up.
Not being afraid to cry.
Being vulnerable.
Developing new interests.
Looking forward to each month that marks another anniversary.
My committment to my husband to continue to work on me and bring the best me to our relationship even when I don't feel like it.

• Waking up at 4 am and staring at the ceiling, tossing and turning and mind racing...
• Finally getting up at 5:55 am and eating left overs from Subway...
• Watching NBA highlights at 6:15 am....
• Falling back asleep at 6:30 am...
• Dragging out of bed at 7:50 am to start work.....

Realizing in a few months there will be many early mornings (and late nights) like this when + 1 arrives....*sigh*

woke up to balloons and special cards....including one from plus one...extra special nap with the wonderful husband....doctor's visit with my sister to find out she's expecting...another girl!....fun lunch with my sister, her husband, my niece and husband....unforgettable phone calls from so many loved ones....watching a movie in bed...red velvet cupcakes with candles...feeling like this was the perfect way to spend the day and usher in my 38th birthday...

On the eve of my 38th birthday I give thanks...
for another year..
for a strong marriage to a wonderful man..
for my children...
for my parents...
for my sisters...
for lessons learnt this year...
for mental, spiritual, financial and emotional awakenings..
for my very special and unique friends...
for forgiveness...
for second chances....
for God's timing being the only timing...
for the movement in my womb that reminds me of life...
for frustrations and irritations...
for aggravations and tears....
for the ability to get over those things that annoy me....
for learning how to see past my own tears....
for strength..
for courage...
for love...
for the magnificence that this new year will bring....

happy birthday eve to me!

old pic of me and yums

i think about my children all the time...my prayers are constantly for them...i pray for yahoshua who is with his father for the summer and in a different spiritual environment...i ask for his safety and emotional security...i pray for the strength that he needs when he's scared and overwhelmed..i pray that he knows just how much he's loved and cared for...i pray that God makes him a better person than I could ever be..i pray he realizes his purpose..i pray for him to be centered...i pray for his health and emotional and spiritual maturity...i pray that my indiscretions in life don't determine his destiny...i pray that my character flaws don't genetically predispose him to the weaknesses i face...i pray for my children but i pray so deeply for my first born son who means the world to me and is my heart...i give him fully to God trusting that my prayers are already answered....

thank you for hearing my prayers.....

i love you yahoshua.

• Dizziness
• Extreme fatigue at times
• Icky flatulence which causes one to purchase Gax X...:-(
• Sore sore boobs
• Uncalled for irritability at times...

Fortunate Side Affect of Pregnancy.....

• My beautiful little baby in a few months...:-)

What is the glue that holds a marriage together? Some say it's love, shared interests and values, respect and trust.....and sex. Good old fashioned pull my hair..get the sheets wet...back breaking and heart pounding sex. S.E.X. Is it enough? Do we put too much emphasis on this area or not enough?

Through personal conversations I've had over the years I've heard men comment that once the marriage occurs the loving stops. No more afternoon getaways or midnight rendezvous...men complain that women are too tired or lose their interest and this causes them to lose interest in the marriage. Women, on the other hand, tend to comment that their needs change. They aren't able to participate as fully in their sexual lives because of children and work and keeping the house clean and the lack of affection displayed by their husbands. Their seems to be a division on the importance of keeping up physical intimacy in marriage.

I think sexual connection is a vital part of marriage. I don't believe it's the one and only thing that holds a marriage together but I do believe it plays a significant role. All the aspects of sexual intimacy must be cultivated by husband and wife.  As wives, we need to let our husbands know what we need to maintain that physical longing for them; and we should create an environment where our husbands are comfortable enough to share what their needs are without fear of judgement. It's important that we take each other's needs into consideration and place value on these needs in order to have them met.

Marriage is forever. It is up to us to help make our forever magical. This will happen with ongoing communication, continued trust and respect for each other, spiritual connectivity and....sexual intimacy. So is sex over rated or under rated in a marriage?

It's up to each spouse to find a wonderful balance with each other to make sex a joyful part of their union.

Wow!

Today was supposed to be a day from hell. It was supposed to rock my emotional center and at the very least have me consider changing my job as a case manager to ... I don't know..a mystery shopper. I knew that today was going to be one of those days that went down in history. I could feel it in my spirit at least two weeks before it got here.

The catalyst to this was my son leaving for the summer. Yums was supposed to leave for Las Vegas today. I couldn't imagine how I was going to possibly go to the airport in the middle of the day to get him on a flight and still get back to work to complete the 100 kazillion cases I just knew I'd have to do. Well...his dad told me a few days prior that Yums ticket was actually for Saturday and not Friday...crisis averted! Whew!

Or so I thought....see I'd already put into motion what I expected my day to be like..a mess! It came as no surprise then, when our power went out last night due to a storm. I tried not to worry too much but a little voice inside of me kept saying...you don't need this on a Friday..you know tomorrow is going to be epic! When the power was restored in the middle of the night I said a silent prayer and watched the recaps of The Heat moving on to the finals {Yay D.Wade!}.

Shortly thereafter there was a clap of thunder, a flash of light and just like that...the power was off again. "Oh sh** ..." We awoke this morning to the power still out but this is where my story takes the turn it needed.

In the moment that I realized the power was off and there was no way of knowing what time it would be restored I started to center myself. I preoccupied my mind with being at peace with the day. I was not going to allow the day to turn into the epic failure I'd imagined and I waited with an absolutely serene mind.

For the next few hours the power was restored momentarily and I was able to get some work done but then it went out until almost noon. But by then I'd prepared myself for a day that would be just short of blissful. I wasn't going to go into a panic and this worked. I was able to complete all of my work assignments not just on time, but early.

See, the power of thought could have created whatever kind of day I expected. It could have turned out incredibly stressful or wonderfully peaceful. I chose the latter and I ended my work day with a smile on my face.

Our thoughts create our reality.

Have a glorious weekend!

I had my second trimester ultrasound yesterday and I was smitten with my little baby. I saw him/her sucking their finger, crossing their legs and leaning their hand against their face. The ultra sound technician commented that we had a "busy body" in there because he/she kept moving and squirming. I was in love. The experience was all the more wonderful because Yahoshua was able to see this miracle of life on screen. Everything looked good and we wait patiently for his or her spectacular arrival.

I was grateful to learn that physically all appears to be going well with our baby. It's a blessing to know that our child appears to be developing well with no apparent abnormalities or hiccups. God is good.

What the ultrasound couldn't tell me is who this baby will be. What kind of personality will they have? Will they be introverted or a social butterfly? What will they like and dislike? Will they be stubborn? Will they love to learn? Will they be easy to raise?  Will they love hard? Will they believe in marriage and family? What will move them to tears? What will their purpose be in life? Is this our next great leader?

The ultrasound can't predict who my unborn child will be. The great unfolding of life will show us that. As parents it will be up to us to groom this baby to be of good character, to have confidence and to love the Creator and love his family. We have to instill a love of reading in him/her and expose them to their cultural heritage. We have to teach them about the world at large and how they fit in. It will be up to my husband and me to teach them that they have a purpose in this life and to help them find that purpose.

The ultrasound couldn't show us what the Creator can and that's the most important....

If my husband is my reflection and my chosen mate by God then the Creator has vision that I didn't or don't have.

My husband is patient and seldom gets annoyed or irritated while my ongoing daily phrase is....someone is annoying me.

My husband is confident and strong while at times I feel weak and afraid.

My husband is direct about his feelings and thoughts while I tend to speak in tongues and beat around the bush until you "kinda figure out" what I'm talking about.

My husband is forgiving. While I've often thought of myself as a forgiving person I tend to hold grudges against people that I've felt hurt me the most in life.

My husband cares deeply about everyone and sees the goodness in people. {Reference the above comment where I speak daily about being annoyed by someone.}

My husband will deal with a problem head on and with swiftness while I attempt to sweep things under the rug until I trip.

Because I know this man is my reflection I know that I know that I am all of the positive traits and qualities I see in him. Maybe I don't always feel this way but the primary reason he CHOSE me was because I reflected him in the perfect and divine way.

It's wonderful to be married to someone who you look up to and respect because it allows you to constantly strive to be the best person. It is a daily reminder to shape and mold your character in the likeness of God because you see the god in your spouse.

I'm grateful that God saw what I didn't and allowed me to be in a marriage where I will continue to grow and be groomed; to be my husband's reflection as he is mine and ultimately  reflect the Creator's love.

I awoke this morning with the bible verse....create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me....resonating in my thoughts. It was my first thought when I opened my eyes.

This verse is extra special to me right now as I carry Plus One. Everything that my son or daughter is experiencing is through me. Their taste, sounds, and most importantly thoughts and emotions are colored by the landscape of what I'm feeling and thinking. If my thoughts arent' pure and my temple is toxic I am creating that same environment for them. It is up to me to continue to create the purest environment for him or her to grow. It doesn't matter how many juicy fruits I eat and how much spring water I drink if my thoughts are full of junk. It's as important that I'm feeding him or her good energy.

So I ask the Creator this morning to create in me a clean heart...renew a right spirit within me..so that I may follow what is good and righteous and may provide my child a healthy start in life....

A few weeks ago we went to church. It's not a regular ritual but sometimes the spirit moves and I'm inclined to go where I'm led. On this particular day the speaker was speaking about fears. He asked each of us to place in a basket what our deepest fear was. I knew almost immediately what mine was....

The idea of living in fear on a daily basis.

Fear,for me, has been a constant. As a child my father would laugh and say I was scared of my own shadow. As a wife, my hubby often remarks that I'm the "scariest", meaning most fearful of everything, person that he knows. We laugh about it but the truth to that statement is eye opening.

My fear runs the gamut from lizards, although I grew up on an island, to death. I live in fear that my marriage could end. My children could die. I could lose my job. I could lose my house. I could lose my health. I could lose me. The slightest provocation that hints to one of my fears can send me into an anxiety driven emotional roller coaster.

It's hard to live like this. I know this. I work on the things that scare me on a daily basis...being confrontational and direct...learning to drive a stick shift...jumping into 7 feet of water although I can't swim...knowing that my husband truly loves me and isn't going anywhere...believing that if I were to die my children would be ok...believing that everything that is for me I either have or will have.

But the one thing I want most is to live life fear free. I want to lose myself in the reality that life is not a scary place. Yes, things happen...bad things happen to good people...etc. but they have not happened to me. My perpetual state of "what if" doesn't allow me truly enjoy the little and big moments of life.

What if I truly lived this one life free from the things that haunt me? What if allowed life to show me its beauty? What if I allowed my happy moments to be...knowing that  happiness is compromised of moments...one experience to the next. What if I trusted the now? What if I believed that the past is over and I have nothing to fear from it. The present is perfect and serene and the future will be just that....what is to come.

And the big bad monster that hides behind my emotional doors doesn't have to exist. My joy, my happiness, my peace and bliss can dispel that monster. I know this....now I have to live it...

Yums has had 11 years getting to me. As he gets older our relationship will change with maturity, his life experiences and time. For plus one, he/she is getting to know me right now on an intrinsic level. He feels all that I do and experiences all of my pleasure and pain in utero.

I always say...should anything ever happen to me there are a few things I want my children to know and remember about me...

• they were not a mistake. i loved them from conception till my last day...
• i love to dance. and i can't dance.
• i love love to listen to music. even now i stand in front of the radio listening to something jazzy and hoping the baby is picking up the energy. when yums was a baby i danced with him close to my chest for years until he was a big boy and then we danced together all the time.
• i am silly. little things make me laugh.
• i adore the quirkiness in others. the things that make someone a little different i find very wonderful.
• little flaws i find beautiful.
• i cry very easily. more so now because i'm pregnant. but anything from the sound of the waves to the sound of my child's voice can move me to tears.
• i hurt easily....and hope my children don't inherit this. i wear my emotions on my sleeve and still have difficulty masking what i feel.
• i love to decorate. i tend to gravitate towards things that are eclectic. decorating centers me and puts me at peace.
• i don't practice a set religion. i was raised adventist. i have christian teachings thoroughly ingrained in me but i tend to be moved by more eastern philosophy. i believe in God/the Creator with everything. there is no question about that.
• spirit moves me.
• i am impulsive and don't always really think things through...like the time i bought my first SUV...went up to the dealership..test drove it..and away we went..i loved that rodeo!
• yums was my first real love. really.
• i love deeply. i've given my pearls to swine more times than i can count but my love experiences have shaped me into who i am today.
• i pray i age with grace and will be here to see my children grow up.....

We aren't finding out the gender of our baby until the day of delivery. I wanted it to be an super suprise....I wanted to hear those words..you have a beautiful.......boy! or girl! When people ask if I have a preference I always say no. My standard response is..I want a healthy, happy, juicy, perfectly developed child. And I mean that. But...do I have a preference?

Years ago I'd daydream of having a daughter. I imagined I'd name her Zion and she'd be chocolate and beautiful and I'd dress her in rainbow colored tights and butterfly shirts. I'd color her room in shades of pink and she'd be my little doll baby to groom. And my reasons for having a daughter started and ended right there. There wasn't any more depth to it.

As my son, Yums, continues to grow up I find myself saying that I wouldn't mind having a house full of boys. I love the mother/son connection and in my opinion raising my boy has been pretty easy. Granted we've visited hospitals on a number of occasions for various bumps and bruises; and he's certainly had his share of playing in school and finding video games extremely more interesting than books! But all in all, he's been a good kid.

So sometimes when I'm quiet and alone in my thoughts I believe that I really wouldn't mind if this little person growing inside of me is another boy but then I wonder about my other reasons for not necessarily wanting a girl.

The truth of the matter is, there is so much more involved in the raising and grooming of a daughter than the way she looks and the color pink. Of course, it would be fun to play dress up with an infant daughter but what happens when she starts to grow up? I wonder, am I capable of raising a daughter for more than the superficial reasons? Can I handle the responsibility that is involved in shaping a nation. And that's what it is...

If I have a daughter I will be raising a nation.

That goes way beyond what she looks like and what she wears. That involves ongoing lessons about self esteem, character, discipline, love, spirituality, culture and so much more. These are the same lessons that I teach my son but I realize that as I teach my daughter these very same lessons she will pass them down through her own teaching when she becomes a mother. What I give her will shape who she is and whose she is. Will she be a part of this world or will she know she's a part of a higher, spiritual realm that demands more?

The weighty responsibility of raising a girl is on my mind. There are certain issues that I still face as an African American woman and I wonder..how will I not pass down those same fears...those insecurities and doubts? Will I be capable of teaching her that she is so much more than the standards the world sets up for women...for Black women?

As I contemplate the fact that I may have a queen being developed deep within me, I trust that I am capable to give her what she needs. I know that she won't just be my pretty little girl but the next great teacher that will raise a nation long after I'm gone.

And I know I'm preparing for that...

Graduation Day

As I continue on this pregnancy journey there are so many things that I think about. So many character gifts that I would love for my child to have and other human traits that I pray about daily.

We, as humans, are all liars by nature. We lie by omission. We lie to ourselves. We lie by default. We lie in a pickle and sometimes just because. Some of us are better at it than others. I, for one, have a difficult time telling a lie. When I was a child I used to lie so badly that my mother would look at me in amazement as if to say..is that really the best that you could do?

It's just not in me to lie blatantly, bold face, with a reckless abandon. Now, of course I have told lies before.I've lied to myself about so many things. I've told that "little white lie" to leave work early or not go to school when I was younger. I've said to someone that the meal was delicious when I barely was able to stomach it without vomiting. Yes, I have and am a liar at times. But it's something that I work on daily. Even the little lies add up...so it's best to really do away, as much as possible, with the whole act.

I pray for my child's character. I pray that the spirit of deceit and the ability to lie without batting an eye is not something he or she will inherit. I pray that he or she understands the importance of speaking the truth. I pray they grow in wisdom and understanding that it is not admirable to lie to those you love to save them from harsh truths. I want them to understand that there is nothing more damaging to the human spirit than to know that the person they loved looked them squarely in the eye and perpetuated deceit. I pray for their truth.

I think about these things knowing that he or she will have their own path. I know the character in this baby has to be groomed and shaped and prayed over. I know as a mother it is my responsibility to feed their soul well and to provide him or her with the good nutrients spiritually, emotionally and holistically he or she will need to be that honest person.

And as I pray that their character is constantly shaped into the likeness of God it will also help me in my growth to be the woman I was called to be....

I'm a sensitive thing. I love hard. I forgive easily. I'm often emotionally  naked. I make myself vulnerable without batting a eye. I put myself out there.

And when my feelings get hurt because I feel someone has taken advantage of me in anyway or taken my openness for granted then I close up. I completely dry up. I shut down. I'm quick to say..it's ok but inside it stings like crazy.

I have to learn that if someone doesn't respond to me in the way that I'd imagine or expect because of my emotional generosity it really is ok. It doesn't make them a bad person. It doesn't make me stupid for being vulnerable. It means they are not ready to receive what  I have to give emotionally. And that really is ok.

I have to learn what to do from there. I have to really understand that you let it be. Don't take it personally and don't condemn that person. Allow it to be.

But that's the most difficult part for me.....

Plus 1. That's the nickname for our little baby. We call our three children the SKY team {Safi, Kemet, Yahoshua} and this baby makes..plus one. Cute, right?

So in the last 17 weeks my life has been quite interesting....my appetite has been up and down and my cravings have ranged from the most healthy snacks to a random assortment of preservatives and additives..in other words..junk!

The first few weeks I couldn't get enough french fries, grilled cheese and strawberrypeachpineapple soda. Oh my goodness! I usually don't even drink the stuff but me and Fanta had a deep rooted love affair for a while. And the vegetarian in me was on some preadolescence..turbulent teen..rebellious stage. Now, to set the record straight, I did not indulge in any meat but Lord how I wanted to. My desires..my lustful wants ranged everywhere from a Nathan's hot dog..which I've never had..to pepperoni..which I've never had..to a big ole juicy hamburger..which I've also never had. Do you see a particular theme? I craved all the meats that even in my days of carnivorism [i know that's not a word!], I didn't indulge in...Weird.

Just the other day we were eating at a restaurant and my son was devouring a plate of hot buffalo wings [which I've never had...]. The smell overpowered me. It took everything in me and the restraint of my husband not to leap over the table and devour the entire plate...I could see myself..on the table [of course] ingesting as quickly as possible every single piece of chicken that was on that plate. My son laughed at me when I told him both he and the chicken were in big trouble. He then suggested I try some. When I told him that I didn't eat a piece of meat when I was preggers with him he politely reminded me that that's why he has various birthmarks on his body shaped like chicken wings...

This little baby is something else.

But luckily my most recent obsession has been for mangoes, watermelon, kiwi's, sparkling water and almost anything with lemon in it.

Overall, I'm starting to feel a lot more like myself. I'm less cranky and irritable [unless I don't eat] and I'm really enjoying my belly starting to poke out. It's cute and the hubby can't seem to get enough of it...

• Don’t pride yourself on your ability to be dishonest. Practice honesty and take pride in that.



• Remember, a moment’s decision can have a life long consequence.


• Learn to speak your mind and be confident in your decision.


• Understand your self worth.


• Be happy first. Work on your happy relentlessly.


• Always have a peace of mind.


• Practice good manners, saying please and thank you will never go out of style.


• Be conscious of your money. Learn to appreciate and value it. Learn to manage it wisely.


• Love fully. Take lessons from your heart AND your head.


• Remember family always, always, always will come first.


• Know that there is a Creator; understand that the wind and the air didn’t JUST evolve.


• Understand the god in you.


• Know with each fiber of your being just how much you are loved..so deeply.


• Take time to laugh..every day.


• Religion is not a title. It’s a way of life.


• Your character defines you. Work on this daily and with passion.

My husband,

Every day with you is like winning the lottery. You are truly God's gift to me and through your love I can really experience His richest blessings. You are a rarity and a gem amongst men. You are not the norm. Your wisdom, you intuitiveness, your depth and your love only come around once in truly a blue moon.

On my worst days when I am cranky and irritable you respond to me with warmth and compassion. You understand how I'm feeling; what I'm feeling and what I need and then you go to work. You daily remind me that I am your queen. You never let me forget that I am the prettiest girl in the world and your best best friend ever.

For you I am so grateful. With you life takes on a different hue. Our sorrows and our times of challenges become easier to deal with. Those times of passion and bliss are even more sweeter when we share them together. You are my heart and next to God you are the center of my life.

Our children are so blessed to have you as their father. Our community is enriched because of your selflessness and humility.

My love, my husband, my very best friend...I just can't wait to continue every twist and turn of our journey. Together we have everything we need in life and then just a little bit more.....we are more than lucky. We are blessed.

Loving you forever,
your darling wife, egypt

9 weeks and counting. Our little one is the size of a grape at this point. I'm slightly in awe of how something so small can create such a frenzy! Approximately one hour after I've eaten my breakfast I swear I've had nothing to eat! I graze all day on grapes and strawberries, caramel cake and anything salty and crispy. My emotions run rampant, slightly like an escaped mental health patient. One moment I'm cool and at peace; the next I'm contemplating how to smash something. I'm moody and cranky and if this disposition doesn't change I may possibly give birth to....the next great MMA fighter!

My creativity has been sucked dry and I'd rather sleep or lay around than do..just about anything. To say the least, these last few weeks have been...fun.

My husband has the patience of a saint or a secret stash of weed xanax somewhere...

But in all the madness of this moment..all the change and ups and downs I couldn't be happier. Really. Understanding that I'm in a hormonal whirlwind because of Life. My body is adjusting and adapting and changing every moment of every day. This is an exciting and memorable period for us and I anticipate hungrily what the next step will bring.

Till then I'll eat and snarl smile; complain read and  exercise; love and be loved.....

Maybe I can't write because I'm full. My mind races. I'm in a space of excitement and happiness. I'm God's manifestation. And I am then allowed to manifest the beauty of the Creator. I am aware of how real God is. Just really Real how God is. I am blessed and highly favored. My life changes instantly in one moment. One test. 3 minutes. Positive Sign. Another test....3 minutes...Positive. Shock. And just like that our lives change and I am reminded how blessed I am and how awesome God is. So right now I have a little lentil seed in me that is a manifestation of the love and commitment my husband and I have for each other. And we wait patiently and with prayer for our blessing in 8 mos....

Sponge bob Square pants and his insane sidekick, Patrick, have been a regular cartoon show in my home for about six or seven years. Yums doesn't watch it as much now but when he was younger we'd both sit in front of the TV and giggle at Spongebob's antics. One episode in particular stood out for me. Sponge bob, as usual, had gotten into mischief and unintentionally destroyed Bikini Bottom. The town thought that a maniac was on the loose and immediately began an all out hunt for this maniac. Patrick, who was an eyewitness to the maniac, was asked to recall how this person looked to a sketch artist. Well of course when he described the person it was Sponge bob and quite naturally no one in the town could tell that the square image could only be Sponge bob! Eventually Patrick and Sponge bob went on the hunt for the maniac and in the most ridiculous manner eventually figured out who it was!

Ridiculous. Absolutely, I know. But what I took from this episode was how wonderful the word maniac was and also how insanely great it is to at times act like a maniac. 

Living life like a maniac for me means living life with relish, with gusto, with passion! It means going after your dream and not stopping until you have it in your hands. Being a maniac means taking risks; having an adventurous spirit. Not fully knowing where the next experience is coming from but waiting with open arms for it. A maniac isn't afraid to live and take chances. Now of course I don't mean acting on impulses that are dangerous, morally degrading or life threatening. I do mean acting on the passion in life that says even when you can't see your way....there is one.

Sometimes we have to stop and remember to live. Not just exist. But really live.....

Frankly I'm hoping someone slipped me a mickey.

• Confusion? Check.
• Delirium? Check.
• Indifference about everything? Check.
• Loss of time? Check.
• Famished appetite? Check.
• Paranoia? Check.
• Moodiness? Check.
• Mental Instability? Check.
• Irritability? Check.
• Complete disregard for the doctor's recommendation to eat healthy, drink water and exercise to reduce symptoms? CHECK!
• Salty/Sweet Popcorn for breakfast? Check.
• Red velvet cupcakes for lunch? Check.
• Copious amounts of wine for dinner? Check.
• No/Some/High Libido? Check.

Clothes that don't fit....? Hmmm. That throws a monkey in the whole "mickey in my coffee" thing.

My husband calls it...countdown to the period. He stands alert, like a decorated soldier, ready for anything that may come his way. A request for cheese fries daily? Body temperature like a menopausal women in the dead of winter? Tearfulness over a car commercial? Disagreements about the price of tea in china? Yes, he's ready for it all. He deserves a medal for his bravery!

In the meantime I'm thinking it was the Starbucks guy that may have slipped me that mickey in my tall soy caramel macchiato....

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The act of being a parent in many ways mirrors the act of being a spouse. Even the act of conceiving a child and having that child develop within a sacred womb for nine months can resemble the process of becoming a spouse. In conception there is connection...sperm meets egg...connects..and there is life. When you met your spouse there was an undeniable connection that created the beginning of what is now your marital journey. Once life has begun there is the safe cocoon period where the fetus is developing and growing until it is born. When my husband and I started down our journey we had our period where we were nestled in one another. We were one against everything else; we were blossoming; we were growing; we were bonding until it came time for the birthing process of marriage to take place. And when it happened it was similar to child birth for me because there was a lot of tearing and letting go and deep breathing and faith.When I gave birth to my son it hurt...but that hurt led to indescribable joy. I had to let go of being single and care free when I became a mother; I didn't know what I was doing and had to trust and have faith that my son would be born healthy and whole. I had to give up a lot to give birth to him. But I wouldn't change it for the world.

And that's what marriage is to me. I. Would. Not. Change. It. For.The. World.  I am devoted to my son. When the world doesn't believe in him; I will. He knows that there is nothing that I wouldn't do for him and he knows that I will never give up on him. Ever. My son is my "forever ever? forever ever?" Yes, forever and I couldn't be happier because of that. So my husband has my heart the same way. I will not give up on him because it's hard. I won't give up on us because it's not fun anymore. I'll keep trying even when I don't feel like it. I'll give him my best even when I don't want to because our growth as a married couple lies in me. If I do my part he can't help but do his. It wasn't always fun when my son was a baby and I was tired. I didn't always feel like getting up to care for his needs but I did. And I did it without thinking. And I continue to love my son and give him my best...even when I don't feel like it...because my relationship with him is not based on my feeling at the moment. It doesn't change on a whim. It is steady....regardless of what's going on.

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I give my husband that exact commitment.

So this is why I view marriage in the same vein that I view parenting. I won't give up on either commitment regardless of how I feel.

The Monday morning blues....The start of the week tends to be the hardest. There are five days ahead of you where the majority of your day is devoted to someone else. All the while that you're working your mind races, thinking of all the other things that still need to get accomplished...the doctor appointments, grocery lists, dinner, boxing practice, chores, bills,  track meetings, parent/teacher conferences...you wonder how in the world you'll manage to get everything accomplished. But somehow you do. And at the end of the ripping and running you are mentally exhausted. You have given everything with little to nothing left for yourself. At the start of this week think of ways that you can get a moment to breathe. Take your designated lunch break away from your desk. Turn off your mind and read a book for thirty minutes. Plan dinner for the week ahead to minimize the 5 pm stress of what you'll cook. Stop for a moment...literally, and smell the coffee. It is Monday morning and you may have the blues but there is thanksgiving in everything. Be grateful for your job. Be thankful for your family. Give thanks for your responsibilities. Appreciate the things that you may find irritating. Turn those blues into thanksgiving and just maybe it will shape not only your day but your week differently.

Ase.

I guess that should read, the day my husband and I got into a disagreement; but I realized it was my ego that did the attacking..and thus I blame her!

Here's what happened and how I was able to slay my ego and save the day...

I have been vegetarian for almost twenty years. I made a "logical" decision to become vegetarian when I became old enough to decide what my mother could not make me eat. My very vivid imagination had always led me down a path of destruction and in the area of meat in was no exception. Each time I would imagine eating a piece of turkey I could see "that little garble thing on its neck" and that would GROSS me out! I never had a lofty and noble reason for not eating meat; it was just nasty to me.

My son is not a vegetarian. He was breast fed up until almost two years old. He never drank formula and he never liked baby food. When I think back it seems he went from breast milk to broccoli to.....chicken nuggets. That's right....chicken nuggets. My ex husband who was a staunch vegan at the time decided it was time to start eating meat again and I came home one day to hear my son had eaten chicken. I didn't make a big deal out of it because I'd never made a real significant decision either way when it came to him eating certain kinds of meat.

Fast forward to the day in question when my ego and my husband got into it. My husband is also vegetarian. He hasn't always been but for the past year or so he has. He wants Yums to also become vegetarian for the sake of uniformity in our home in addition for a healthier lifestyle. Despite the fact that eating meat is not a big deal to me I vehemently opposed this idea. In my opinion my son eats healthy already and a healthier option would be incorporating more organic meats into his diet. We went back and forth on this....if I were a fly on the wall it would have been pretty comedic. After all, I'm a vegetarian so wouldn't it stand that my son would be one too?

Eventually I saw the culprit in this disagreement. It was my overly fed and gluttonous ego. The ego is fixed on ideas that it believes in and has difficulty being humble enough to entertain any other idea. It is grandiose and narcissistic and loves nothing more than to be right; this is even at the sake of learning something new or trying something different. Once I stopped listening with my ego and listened with...the intention of what my husband was saying...I could hear clearly. He would like for us to explore a healthier lifestyle; as simple as that.

If we really think about it and if we're honest enough to admit it, most of our disagreements stem from our pesky ego. We have an addictive need to be right all of the time and this can lead to misery and mayhem.
In the end I kicked my ego's butt and my husband and I were able to lovingly resolve our disagreement. The next time my ego raises it's narcissistic head I'll recognize it before it has time to disturb the peace in my home.

• I was asked to do less work by my supervisor in order to balance the image of my colleagues.
• My response to this request led to my first pseudo marital disagreement.
• I dressed up for work for the first time in two years since I've been working from home.
• Later that evening I had on my dressed up dress with colorful socks and a hoodie...my son laughed at me.
• My son, Yums, changed his pediatric dentist.
• I loved his new dentist who wore Chucks and seemed like he smoked weed....{lol}
• My sister's kids caught the Ebola virus stomach flu.
• I don't plan on seeing them for a month...week.
• Anthropologie had a great sale this week.
• I bought nothing. {sucks}
• I probably should stop watching Real Housewives of Atlanta.
• Because after my issues at work this week I contemplated auditioning to be on the show.
• At least it was a pay week.
• I plan to indulge in Thai Food with my measly earnings.
• I still haven't started my pilates video that I bought two one week ago.
• This may decrease my chances of becoming America's Next Top Model..damn.
• My husband may have caught the Ebola virus um. stomach flu.
• I don't plan on seeing him for a week.. couple of hours.
• I tried a new wine made in GA this week.
• I drank it four  times   once this week.
• Um...five times this week...
• I realized if I don't start saving more money  for retirement I may have to work until I'm deceased.
• This may mean the opening of the first ever senior exotic entertainment center.
• My son didn't get in trouble all week.
• I guess I'll have to give him his allowance.
• I got along pretty well with my husband's cell phone.
• I'm sure this means I'm growing up.
• My husband and I practiced our dance moves for when we're out.
• He determined I had no moves and abandoned the idea.

and there's my fantastic week in a nutshell....hoping we all have a fun filled weekend!



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 Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder....right? Maybe the beholder needs to get their eyes checked or put on their contacts, renew their glasses prescription or put on some 3D glasses! See, many times the eyes of the beholder is from the face looking in the mirror. We are our worst critics. We look in the mirror and see everything that is a perceived flaw...that less than perfect skin...the bad hair day...teeth that could use some TLC...a little pouch here and little pouch there. We see it all magnified. Our self perceived flaws loom so large they overshadow the beauty that looks back at us when we're in the mirror.

We tend to compare ourselves mercilessly. This person may have the perfect body; it appears that they work out and can eat whatever they'd like. You look at yourself and wonder why it seems you've acquired more belly than boodie or why you gain a pound just thinking of something sweet. You may admire that someone who has flawless hair. You wonder how many hours they spent getting ready or what you'd need to do to acquire their perfection. You compare and you sigh...you compare and you judge yourself...you compare and allow the negative voices in your head to chatter incessantly...you compare and compare and compare until what's looking back at you is formless. You lose yourself wishing to be someone else.

I could go on about how the media has appeared to set the standard for beauty; after all they are responsible for making us think that in order to have a perfect life one must resemble...let's see...Halle Berry? Well it seems the beautiful Ms.Berry is human after all with broken relationships and failed marriages. some of the things that life experiences are made of; her life has not been perfect but she is counted as one of the most beautiful women in the world. The media's job is to perpetuate an inaccurate version of reality...We have to create our reality that  is not based on what "we're told" through television shows, music videos or movies.

The prettiest girl of them all is any woman reading this article. Your beauty runs so much more than skin deep. Your allure isn't in the MAC makeup that you wear. Your sensuality isn't dependent on the size of your breasts or your behind..It's you. Simple as that.

Halloween 2009

My daughter, Kemet, is beautiful. This post could stop right there. She is a beautiful 10 year old girl. She has all of her father's personality and her mother's beauty. She is full of energy; she is a tom boy that loves painting her toe nails. She doesn't cry easily so when she does it's disconcerting. Kemet is a funny little girl with a quick sense of humor. She has the ability to make you laugh so hard in one minute and look at her in astonishment the next..because of the words coming out of her mouth. She's fiercely protective of her dad and mom. She's the typical little sister from Judy Blume who is into everything..a lot nosey and will tattle on her brothers in a heart beat.

I asked God for a daughter and he gave me Kemet. I'm grateful to her mother for allowing me to love her as if she were my own. I'm thankful for her mother for instilling in her the importance of school and reading and sports. Without her mother she wouldn't be the well rounded little girl that she is. Because of her mother she is still...a little girl. Not a grown ten year old...but a child still. Her mother has made loving her and caring for her when she's in our home so much easier. I'm so grateful for my little girl but I'm even more thankful for her mother being selfless enough to allow me to love her....

Jill Scott is by far one of the most profound female artists ever in my opinion. I had the opportunity to see her perform live a few years ago and I was convinced I would be a fan for life. Her melodies are compelling; her voice is inviting; her energy is magnetic! All I have to hear is her classic...Living my life like it's golden..and my day brightens up!

I pay homage to Jill Scott and the other fabulous women that are doing their thing! As women we wear many hats and have multi tasking responsibilities that only a CEO of a major company could understand. Because we are women we are powerful and strong! It takes 9 months for us to give birth to a civilization and we are the only ones that have been given that awesome responsibility. We are the ones that birth our future leaders and then groom them once they're born for their greatness.

Everything about being a woman is God's creativity manifested! Remember that today, no matter what you're doing or where you're going. Remember your profound greatness. Remember...you are woman...now hear me roar!

My father and I haven't always had the best relationship. I've challenged almost everything he's ever told me, in part because of my stubbornness; in part due to the obnoxiousness "special"  middle child syndrome. But he's always meant well and it took me becoming a parent to truly grasp that. One of the many lessons he instilled in both me and my sisters was that....

Anything worthwhile doing, is worthwhile doing well.

And this mantra has taken me far. I haven't always made the best or the right decisions but I have learned to be a hard worker and have developed a strong work ethic that isn't based on the whims of my employer. Whatever I am doing I will give it my all.

My father has lived by this principal and as a result has been happily married for 40 years as well as recently retired after serving in the ministry for 40 years. He and my mother have retired to the Caribbean and are able to live comfortably because he worked hard; he saved hard....he lived his life in all aspects well.

I strive to emulate that. I won't apologize for my passion for the things that matter to me. I will continue to do the best in everything I do; I will pass on this lifestyle to my children and I will live it well.

Little things help when it's rainy out and in.
I probably shouldn't allow certain things to bother me so much but I guess it's because of my sensitive nature that I do.

Here are a few of my most treasured pick me ups...

• Jill Scott...any Jill Scott
• Lavender essential oil
• Lemon/ginger Tea
• Musiq SoulChild - my favorite is his last album, onmyradio
• A hot steamy cup of coffee brewed strong
• Fresh flowers of any type
• Open windows for fresh air
• A red velvet cupcake
• Fred Hammond [i love gospel music]
• My husband. Always my husband.
• Nag champa Incense
• A clean home and uncluttered work environment
• Hearing my son say...hey mama [melts my heart every single time]
• A clear head
• A balanced perspective
• The ability to start over....

My husband knows that I get down in the dumps sometimes because of my boring attire at work. Because I work from home full time my daily wardrobe consists of sweats, tee shirts and socks. Sometimes I may jazz it up a bit and put on my "fancy" sweats but that's about as exciting as it gets! My hair is usually pulled back into a ponytail; I have on my librarian glasses and the only makeup I have on is some lip gloss. I look fair at best.

My husband knows that I LOVE dressing up though; he's aware of how much I love dresses and tights and pretty shirts and big earrings and my absolute obsession with mascara! But I only get to indulge in these things on the weekend. So today he suggested I choose one day a week where I get fully dressed. Dressed, as in makeup, a dress, my earrings...the entire shebang. I contemplated this and decided it was a great idea! It would be such a morale booster; it may make my work day a bit more interesting and give me the extra boost while completing my assignments.

So this is one of the reasons I love this man and married him. He pays attention to my needs, whims and desires. He observes me and understands what will make me tick; what will put a smile on my face and what keeps me happy. He doesn't just observe though he acts on his observations. I couldn't have been more blessed if I won the lottery. He is my prize each and every day and for this I am so grateful....

Yes, it's hard to admit out loud but the truth is I have problems with my attitude.

For some, they demonstrate their attitudes with cruel words or loud arguments. For me, I go inward when I get my attitude. I retreat inwardly and I stew. This is not healthy. It is of vital importance that I speak about the things that bother me even if they may be uncomfortable. I remember my parents saying to me as a child and adolescent that I always had this attitude. Of course I thought that they were wrong and were simply trying to "control me!" Ha! I was even delusional enough to believe that many of my past issues in relationships had to do with "the other person." If he would just "act right" then I wouldn't have to stew silently, give the cold shoulder and respond to the question of what's wrong, with the classic response...nothing.

My immaturity to acknowledge that my attitude isn't always the most pleasant will leave me stunted in my emotional growth. No matter how much I may resist this truth it must be spoken out loud; it must be told in order to start the process of change. What a better mother I will be and an even better daughter, sister and wife! What will go with my attitude will be the arrogance that comes in thinking my emotional state is the only reality,the only way of processing the situation. But when I lose the attitude and with it the arrogance I am free to see the truth and the love in any situation.

Yes, my name is Egypt and I've had more attitudes than I care to admit. But today I start anew, one day at a time until this part of my personality dissolves....

A Fun Day at Piedmont Park

The best kids in the world!

Safi our 14 year old teenager with a sarcastic sense of humor...(left)
Kemet our 10 year old outgoing and precocious daughter...(far right)
Yahoshua our 11 year old relentless negotiator...(middle)

Our SKY team...our reasons for striving to be the best versions of ourselves possible!

Contradictions

I’m a blind man that sees
I’m an atheist that believes
I’m a temperature that can freeze over 90 degrees

I’m a lie that tells truth
I’m evidence with no proof

I’m a woman that keeps quiet
I’m a peace rally that starts riots

I’m a public speaker that’s a mute
I’m an anti-gun activist that still shoots
I snipe people from the roof
And date a celibate prostitute

I’m a walking paraplegic
I’m a healthy obese bulimic

I’m an over weight gymnast
I’m a misogynistic feminist

I live my life forward
Like Revelations to Genesis

I’m an anti-social extrovert
I’m a nun in a mini skirt
I’m homeless and over worked

I’m high when I’m low
I speed up to go slow
I never keep promises
But I promise to let you know

I’m a midget that’s 6 feet
I’m a healthy heart that doesn’t beat
I’m forgotten history that didn’t repeat
I’m a narcoleptic that can’t sleep

I’m politician that’s truthful
I’m a president that useful

I’m an asthmatic that’s long winded
I’m stingy but quick to lend it
I’m hyper-sensitive so speak your mind and I won’t get offended

I’m aggressively passive
I’m the government that speaks truth to the masses
I’m a relationship that’s built on lies and deceit that lasts

I continue to feed negative thoughts so they can get weaker
I put lemons in water to make it sweeter
I’m a practical family man so I bought a two seater

I rap and expect it not to influence people
I glorify money in videos and tell kids it’s the root of all evil

I give you advice that I don’t follow
Then turn around and tell you pride is something you should swallow
I keep giving money to my alcoholic uncle to persuade him to get off the bottle

I want people to give me what I’m not willing to give in return
I continue to make the same mistakes but I look at you shaking my head because you're a person that never learns

I’m a Christian who gives Satan too much credit
I’m highly favored in the lord but my life style is pathetic

I’m a religion that believes only those in my faith will be saved
I pastor a church but can’t teach my kids how to behave

I see the good in all people but I faithful doubt their trust
I’m consistently inconsistent

I’m the contradiction in all of us….

Hotep Nuri©

Life has it's ups and downs. I try to focus on the positive aspects of experiences but sometimes things get overwhelming. I have a lot of fun at home with my husband and son and try to share those moments on this blog. The reality is that it's not always going to be fun and maybe a tear will be shed and feelings can get hurt.

Being a blended family means commitment to making things....blend. My son and I have been alone for years before my husband became an integral part of our life. The norm has been my discipline style, my expectations and my routine with my son, Yums. But getting married, and even before we got married, my husband took the responsibility of treating Yums as  his own. While this is fantastic it also comes with the responsibility of discipline and boundaries and being firm when necessary. Sometimes Yums doesn't mind this and at other times it's a battle.

This comes with being a family though. It's a part of the blending process. Things aren't going to go smoothly all of the time but if we continue to work on combining/blending our family, eventually we'll get the lumps and the bumps mostly out. As with anything that is put in a blender it takes a few different speeds and the addition of different ingredients to create the perfect concoction..whether that is a smoothie or a cold slushy drink. With us it will take a few experiences, different trials, some tears along the way and the most important ingredient....love to blend to our perfection.

Everyday offers a new opportunity to try again.

• i was born in st.croix which is in the united states virgin islands
• i've attended private schools [all seventh day adventist] from 1st grade through my 4 years of college.
• the first time i kissed a boy i was 17!
• and then didn't kiss another boy until i was 18 [i was a dork!]
• my middle name is elizabeth.
• when i was an infant i stayed with my grandmother in antigua because i was so sick.
• i got hit by a car at age 6 or 7 while walking home from the pool with my sisters.
• my son was born at home; he was delivered by his grandmother.
• i still don't know how to swim despite growing up on an island.
• i'm terrified of lizards....despite growing up on an island.
• my bestie and i used to drink zimas and smoke cigarettes in parking lots when we were in college.
• when i was little i wanted to be a fireman when i grew up.
• i'm the middle of three girls.
• i have the best parents in the world [but somehow didn't realize this until my late 20's]
• my parents have been married for 40 years and my mom still calls my dad "sweetheart"
• my dad told me when i was two he knew i'd be a hellraiser.
• i've been to egypt and israel but was too immature to appreciate the trip.
• when i'm tipsy i giggle and talk too much.
• i can.not.dance.to.save.my.life. [but in my head i'm the greatest choreographer ever].
• i love deeply.
• overly opionated people are annoying
• if i could, i'd use the word "douche" in every sentence.
• i cry very easily.
• my husband says i'm the most sensitive person he knows.
• i love corny shows...like "The Office", "Always Sunny in Philadelphia", "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and "Eastbound and Down"
• i'd rather buy a dress than pay a bill......[but i don't!]
• i have the best mother in law in the world! she rocks!!!!!!
• i am dying to visit seattle.
• my ideal job would be in interior decorating.
• i hope i'm married to my husband until we're both in depends and dentures
• i plan to be sexy at 75.
• i have three tatoos [i want two one more]
• i have three children.
• i'd like love to have one more.
• i've been vegetarian since age 19.
• i'm only vegetarian because i have a very vivid imagination.
• i haven't had a perm since age 19.
• i still don't know what to do with my natural hair.
• my mother is a published author of two books.
• my older sister is a doctor.
• my dad is also a doctor.
• my younger sister is getting her doctoral degree.
• if i could i would sell sea shells at the sea shore in st.croix.

After a long day... An overwhelmingly long and draining day one must find refuge. And at times my refuge is in a glass or three  of Moscato or Riesling or my favorite, Seven Daughters. And if it weren't for my glass or bottle of said wine I may completely nut up and find comfort in the wonderful arms of  genuine psychosis! There are days like that and today very well may have been one of those days!

But as always and in everything I give thanks.Without my job that drives me insane I'd be a bag lady at your local supermarket or an exotic entertainer at a nearby Senior Citizens Center. So I'm grateful that I can work in the comfort of my home for my 8 hour shift. I can see my son off to school in the morning and be here when he gets off of the bus in the afternoon. If I didn't have my 11 year who knows absolutely everything, is never wrong about anything and at times has the negotiation skills of Johnny Cochran, I wouldn't be a mother. And for me being a mother has been the best thing that has happened. Period. So I embrace his early puberty with thankfulness and pray for the patience to endure all that his adolescence may have for me!

I am grateful. I am blessed to have my home, a warm bed to snuggle in at night; plenty of food to eat and a family that I'd do anything for and who would do anything for me. As always, God is good.

All in all, Life is Good....and all the more better with some  moscato!

In no way am I the video vixen, Superhead. And by no means do I have what it takes to be on a XXX porn star but when you have a wonderful man in your life you may need to get out your red pumps, fishnets and alter ego...Hot Coffee!

I realize that the proper care and feeding of my husband comes in many forms. It's important for me to listen and communicate with him. It's necessary to rub his back and keep our home clean. He loves when I make his favorite dishes and attempt new ones; and we wouldn't have a marriage if I didn't respect him and trust him. But it's also important for me to care for him.....make sure he is well fed and nurtured sexually. Of course this is taboo for me to be writing about so brazenly on this blog but I think it's important. After all, you get married with the intention to spend the rest of your life with this person, right? So why not make and keep it interesting!

The men we marry and love should want for nothing sexually. I don't condone doing things that go against your moral principles and values but  I do suggest breaking out of your comfort zone and keeping a smile on his face. He may enjoy looking at you as you undress after a long day of work...allow him that pleasure. Or he may fantasize about you with nothing but those black panties and a fresh pedicure....give him that fantasy. 

Keep him seduced and longing. Let him know that you want him not because "you should" and "it's expected of you" but because you desire him. Take a class on fellatio if you're no good at it. Discover what kind of lingerie he likes and invest in it. Read a book on Kama Sutra or Tantric Sex and discover new ways of making love together.

I want my husband to feel just how safe and secure he makes me feel and one way I can do this is by making sure he feels safe and secure sexually. He doesn't have to beg; he shouldn't have to wait until "I feel like it." It shouldn't be a monthly chore just to get him off of my back. After all, I don't have to wait for him to tell me I'm pretty; I don't have to hope he'll help me with my son or around the home. I don't have to hope he'll provide, protect and be faithful to me.  He does all of these things because he wants me to know that he loves me.

And I keep it sexy because I love him.

As I tucked my son in bed and kissed him goodnight last night he said....

when you smile it lights up the whole world.

It doesn't get any better than that for me.....

That's right. That wasn't a misprint. My husband loves me the way I LOVE a tall soy caramel machiatto from Starbucks. I really enjoy a good cup of coffee but I adore my tall soy caramel machiatto! There is nothing in the world like it to me. I don't need it in a larger size...I don't need it with a different type of milk. The way I order it is the way I like it and it's perfect to me.

Today as my husband looked at me doing my usual goofy antics and making my routine corny jokes I realized..this man loves me. Like he really loves me just the way I am. We laughed together and he listed all of the things that he laughs at me about.....my over dramatic expressions...my clutziness....my inability to use the bathroom without turning the water on...my extreme paranoia about natural bodily functions...the fake falsetto voice I try to carry a tune in...my two left feet that finds it hard to catch a beat...

And he adores me.

I'm his tall soy caramel machiatto. I'm perfect for him. I'm made exactly the way he likes it. There is no other that he'd rather have.

Just Me.
Just the way I am.

I need a detox. A good cleaning. Something that will scrub out all decay and extra waste and leave me squeaky clean. I need something that will require committment and time. I want a detox that will leave me feeling 10 pounds lighter.

I need to detox my mind.

From foolishness.
and worry.
from insecurity.
And unhappiness.

If I fill my mind with unhealthy information it becomes cluttered and a wasteland of toxic emotions and energy. But if I take the time to clean it out then I'm left with a new perspective and higher energy.

In order to detox my mind this week I plan to reduce my TV intake tremendously. Usually the TV is one while I'm working as white noise in the background. What's on though is usually a Judge show or the news. Neither are good for my sanity. I also plan to reduce my Internet browsing significantly. Sometimes too much of anything is not a good thing. So while I enjoy reading about natural hair and fashion, the overkill on my mind can lead to feelings of want and/or insecurity. I also plan to read nightly. Instead of watching something senseless to help me fall asleep I will pick up one of the many lovely books in my home.

What we put into our bodies comes out in one form or the other. What we put into our minds does the same thing. A healthy diet shows in glowing skin; a healthy mind diet shows in happiness. Inner happiness is the result of feeding your mind and spirit on a daily basis.

I'm up for this challenge to live a happier, brighter and light life....

Sunday evenings are my favorite day of the week. During this time the clothes have been washed and put away. The home smells like fabric softener. The kitchen is clean asides from dinner dishes. The candles are lit and the house smells like lavender, mango and a hit of nag champa here and there. Usually there is something old playing on the radio. Yes, the radio. Not the Ipod. Everyone is still and ready for the week to begin. I'm at peace although Monday morning looms around the corner. My son is at home and happy. He's had a good weekend with fresh memories. My husband is loving me and kissing me on the neck as we make dinner. All is well in my world.

But so am I. Selfish. For the longest time I wanted to blame this seemingly flawed but human trait on his father. He has to get that selfishness from him....of course. But he is selfish because I made him that way.

I have loved my son so hard that I gave to him at times without regard. For the most part he is an only child so I've given in to many whims and fancies because he was my baby boy. For a long time his chores were minimal and even then I didn't demand that he do them regularly. I was loving him; that was how I justified my misbehavior.

So when my 11 year old seems ungrateful and when he behaves selfishly I have to reflect on myself. At 11 years old he is my reflection. He behaves the way he's been raised. So if he behaves selfishly and without gratitude its because that's how he's been groomed.

How humbling and humiliating it is to admit this. But how necessary it is to make changes! I am responsible for who he will grow into. Every day I have to demand greatness from him and that may come at the expense of telling him NO and making sure he follows through with tasks. The best way that I can love him is to show him not in gifts and gadgets but in discipline. The only way he will learn about consequences and about boundaries is through his parents.

This is my task as his mother.



Anthropologie Dress


If I could, I would have a pretty dress for each day of the year. And I would wear each and every one of them too. From frilly sundresses with lady like petticoats underneath to warm sweater dresses that hug every curve and leave little to the imagination. I would live in a dress on a daily basis. I would do mundane tasks like grocery shopping and getting gas in something turquoise blue or sunshine yellow. Or maybe I'd go to the dentist in an aquamarine Maxi dress with a freshly painted pedicure. My regular yearly Pap Smear wouldn't be such a chore if what I wore was frilly. In my mind there is nothing better than a dress to make your day a little brighter....

This is my second marriage. The first one lasted for a tumultuous 4 years; 2 of which we actually lived together. He fathered my son, my wonderful 11 year old that I would give my heart to if he needed it. There was so much in that marriage that taught me. I loved hard and I learned hard and today I don't speak to him.


So in getting married for another time I became afraid. Although I've loved my husband for as far back as I've known him I was scared. I was terrified of the "what ifs". My what ifs were actual experiences for me. I knew what it felt like for a husband to leave. For him to declare he didn't want "to do this anymore." I knew the sound of a door closing for the last time. Those were real life experiences; not anxiety soaked fears.


I'm still a newlywed but in the following days of my nuptials I felt fear that this bad thing called divorce could happen again. I was struck by the fact that it.could.happen.again. And then what would I do? I let my fears hold me hostage for a few days and for no reason.


What I learned from my first marriage was that marriage actually takes work. Marriage actually takes forethought; it requires preparation. It isn't a dress rehearsal for someone you're having a good time with but you couldn't imagine having children with. It's being with someone and wishing you could bear their child, even if it meant 36 long hours of labor and stretch marks to your knees. It is forever. It demands that you trust each other.


Marriage makes you admit YOUR faults and shortcomings. It changes you. It requires that you actually like..not just love...your spouse. It is a decision. It is a choice. The kind of marriage you have is a daily choice. You are responsible for what your marriage looks like; how it grows; whether it flourishes and if it will die.

I also learned that marriage is actually fun. There should be private jokes between the two of you; times when you laugh so hard you almost pee on yourself. It's finding the silliness in each other and giggling at times when you shouldn't. It's having your best friend around all of the time with the perks of having sex with them! It's exploring and growing and learning....together.

I learned that. I had to remind myself that I learned these valuable lessons in my first marriage to help me understand what a marriage is and what I needed to do to achieve success. Throughout the past few weeks of being a Mrs my anxiety has subsided. Slowly but surely it is falling to the wayside. I realize that I have all the power in me to grow old with my Mr.

So on the topic of remarriage....use the lessons you learned. Forgive your spouse even though it is difficult. Let go of your painful memories. Grow into your new memories and embrace them. Be thankful for those experiences that helped you to become the spouse you are today. I have, and for this I am so grateful....