I hug him tightly every chance I get…breathing in his scents of caramel and play.


My lips are at home in the nape of his neck..I wait for the moment that his eyes lock with mine and he smiles.

My little boy.

My last little one.

I hold him so close and kiss him too much because I know he’ll only be a “baby” for a “blink of the eye longer” and he won’t have fat little legs  running and playing hide and seek.

No more…”bird”…him forming little words that get me so excited because I see he’s learning and growing.

But even in his growth I want to hold him just a bit longer. Let him remain my little Plus for just a second more.

He’ll stretch out like his brother before I’m aware of it and I’ll hear “mama, can I…”…”mama..i love you.” I’ll be fussing at him about school..and his chores…soon enough.

So till that time I love on him every chance that I get. I stare into those big round eyes all day if he lets me…I’ll wake up every few hours so he can get his milk. He’ll sleep in our bed for probably a bit longer than he should…

Because when you know your baby is the last one you’ll ever have..you treasure everything.

There are so many things about this little person that I absolutely adore.

• His face. It's all kinds of mischievous.
• His laugh. It's infectious and fills me up..completely.
• His energy. He runs at high speed 100% of the time.
• "Bird"..one of the few words he says..he points outside..bird..i love it!
• His little bow legs. I stare at him running around and I'm smitten with those thick bow legs.
• His cute little butt! Lol. Who can't resist a baby's boodie!
• The way he says "huh" when you call his name.
• His insistence at closing all doors that are open.
• The way he falls out when he can't get his way. I know this shouldn't be funny to me and I don't laugh in his face...but it tickles me.
• The way his face lights up when he sees his brothers.
• Those arms around me when he's finished his bottle and is falling asleep.
• His breath...the sound of him breathing...the gift of his life.

I love my 17 month old. I'm tired most days from waking at night and feeling hung over. There's no "sleeping in"....a quickie has taken a whole new meaning (i.e...nap)...my hand bag at any given moment has one shoe, one diaper (may be clean or dirty), a toy, a book and one sock but I wouldn't change this for the world...

till the next time,

egypt

If I could…I would have told my 29 year old self that him leaving is going to be the best thing that ever happened. I would have told her to keep her head up; be grateful for the experience and move on with that little 3 year old.

I would have said, “you are so strong…don’t you see that?”…”you are so pretty..don’t you see that?”….”you are so enough….there’s nothing to prove…” I would have taken her into a deep embrace and whispered these things in her ear..almost like a lover would.

I would have said beware of the times when loneliness feels alive but it’s really not. It’s a reminder that you are growing and stretching and waiting for the “divinely appointed him” to appear.

I would have warned her about false pride…reminding her that her self worth wasn’t measured by the size of her ass…the thickness of her legs…the sexual prowess….it was measured through her character..the loveliness that had always made her a lady.

If I could talk to this “29 year old me” we would have had a real girlfriend talk. It would have been a no holds…you “bout to get cussed out”….your feelings may be hurt…”I’m just keeping it real”..kinda conversation. Because I would have had to let her know areas where she was “tripping” and remind her just how magnificent the future would be…if only she would put one foot in front of the other…and start walking.


So I say to my 39 year old self…don’t wait until you’re 49 to reflect on what you could have said. Say it now. I am everything that I have always desired to be. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I am strong enough. Pretty enough. Happy enough. …everything “enough” and then some.

I have growing to do. I have mistakes that have yet to be made but my eyes are open…my spirit is free. I am comfortable in my skin. There is nothing like the present. It should be passionate…this present moment that I’m in...and oh, it is!

My past is my greatest teacher and my future is an exciting unknown gift waiting to be opened….

till the next time,

egypt

There. Meaning accomplishing my health and fitness goals. I feel very good about my progress so far. It feels good because I have a "bit" more energy. I'm still up nightly with my greedy 17 month old son but I don't feel as fatigued. I also feel like I'm becoming more alert mentally...like a fog is lifting. I suppose God gave us all of the goodness of this earth..all of the green veggies and fruit and legumes...so that we could live full and rich lives.

I've always been a slacker with my diet..even as a child. I resisted most things good for me! Approaching my 40th has really allowed me to take stock of where I am physically and really push myself to make lifestyle changes; and it's happening!

In the meantime I am getting so excited about planning my own 40th birthday "pawty" in June! Whoop whoop! It's going to be fun!

till the next time..

Egypt

I get attitudes with him because at times I don’t think I deserve him. When you’ve spent the majority of your adult life questioning your self worth, it takes a while to get used to being treated well. I’ve spent more time than I care to admit holding my breath..waiting for the other shoe to fall…knowing "ish" is going to hit the fan. I haven’t fully accepted…although at times I do…the fact that this is good. I question things that don’t need to be questioned. I look through items expecting….what? My worst nightmare…..


But in this moment I understand how self destructive that is; how much I am sabotaging my happiness…the health of my marriage with my self doubt. I had a man tell me once..all mean cheat..no man wants to be with one woman. That same man..walked in the house one day and declared…”I want to start dating other people”…1 year into our marriage.

So I know where part of my anxiety comes from but I have to challenge that false truth that my ex husband told me. I have to continue to fight the demon of self doubt and fear. I have to fully surrender and trust that “this is good”..because it is.

I have to remember that God has not given me a spirit of fear..but of love and power. I continue to pray for my individual growth as God continues to speak to me and show me just how much He has in store for me. It isn’t too late to start appreciating his blessings….

till the next time..
Egypt

Every morning that we are blessed to wake up is an opportunity to hit that "restart" button. Yesterday's business is for yesterday....each day offers the opportunity for something new...fresh. Even if you think that yesterday's issues will affect today..change the perspective. Whatever it is...allow it today to be something different... The bills may still be there...the relationship ending may not be gone...death will still be final. But awake with the ability to say..today I start new...I approach all of my issues with a fresh pair of eyes. Sometimes things may be so overwhelming that it seems impossible to imagine just how to "restart"...that's the beauty of God. That is where the magic happens. For truly, all things through Him are possible...Not some...ALL things...when things are too overwhelming we give them away to God to heal..to make new..He makes all things new. What a blessing.

till the next time...

egypt