I have never in my life been able to run for more than 5 seconds without feeling as though I were on the brink of death. Literally.
But recently during my afternoon walk I've been able to trot a little; jog some and then today...run. As in, I took off until I felt like my chest would explode. I pushed myself. God it felt good. Really incredibly good. It made me feel better than I've felt in quite some time. I'm so excited about the prospect of keeping this up. It makes me feel invincible; as though I can do anything.
Which is true.
I can do anything....including run my ass off.

Until the next time,

the runner, Egypt :-)

Exactly where I wanted to be at this age...on the eve of my 40th. Happy.

So just like that my birthday is days away. I'll be 40 on Friday. Wow!

I celebrated early by having a party this past Sunday. I had a blast with family and friends and here's what it showed me.

I am loved.

There are so many people that think of me fondly and wish me goodness and peace. What a blessing. I am blessed to have family members and friends that are good to me; that truly care about me; that God has specifically placed in my life because he loves me. This is the greatest birthday gift of all.

I know that I am loved. I know that because He loves me He has shown favor on me by giving me love through my husband, my parents, my sisters, my friends.

I don't need any more "things" for my birthday. I have all that I need.

The gift of my husband who is my miracle. There was a time that I  didn't think I could be (I didn't think I deserved) with someone who cared for me the way he does. Someone who sees my beauty when I don't; who believes that I am perfect for him. Who sees past my attitudes and complaints and focuses on my strengths. He is so patient, so loving, so kind. He is constantly growing. He loves me. He cares about our children. He is hard working. He is disciplined. He listens to me. He communicates. He helps around the house. He is more....but everything that I asked for in silent prayer and I received and he is all mine :-)

My friends and my family that continue to grow with me, laugh with me....love me even when I bump my head. My sisters that have my back IN the DROP OF A HAT . You have no idea. I had no idea.

My friends....my best friend that knows when I really need her to be there and shows up! She drove 12 hours to celebrate with me before returning home to start a new job. She keeps a smile on my face...makes me giggle about our inside silly jokes and knows when to tell me that my ish stinks.

And all of my other friends that fill me with light. I am so blessed.

My children. What can I say? God knew what I needed and so he gave me 3 suns...who shine...and a daughter that is beautiful in so many ways. I wouldn't doubt if she's the first female president of the US!

My parents...thank you Lord for the gift of Annette and Stanley who never stopped believing in me and molded me into the woman I am today. I love them more than I knew.

So I have all of my gifts. I'm ready for 40!

Till the next time,

Egypt

Except it's less than 30 days to my 40th!
Yep!
Already...I'm pretty excited!

Random items I'd like to get by/for my birthday:

• Green Chucks
• Henna Tattoo
• New underwear set(s)
• Makeup Forever
• Mac eyebrow pencil
• Shorts
• Sandals
• Gel Manicure
• Anthropologie Candle

Can't think of anything else...but I'm really wanting those green chucks like yesterday!

till the next time,
Egypt

1. Life goes on. In my twenties I didn't believe that. Everything was dramatic and a production. The endings of things were overwhelming for me.
2. There is so much more than meets the eye...in general. This could apply to a friend, a mate, a job, a situation. I've always tended to believe exactly what I see when in reality there is so much depth to people...to our situations that nothing can be taken at face value.
3. Actions speak louder than words. Yes. Instead of just listening to what someone is saying pay attention to actually what they are doing. I'll learn everything I need to know...in a short period of time.
4. Black is beautiful.
5. My legs are thick and carry me well. They're some kind of juicy and I should never be embarrased by them.
6. Think for myself. Don't allow others or institutions to think for me. It's ok to think outside the box..create my own box. People, especially my family, may find me odd or be disappointed but God gave me a brain for a reason. It's my right to discern what I've been taught.
7. Traveling should be mandatory. See the world. Experience different cultures. Soak in everything my eyes can see.
8. Money means nothing if I don't know how to manage it. 
9. Health is everything. Start good habits young. Figure out how to eat well but indulge every now and then. Start exercising and developing an exercise routine because I want to...not because I have to.
10. Good parents are gifts from God. At 19 I knew everything and my parents were so stupid. At 25 I started to realize just how brilliant they were. At 30 I began to thank them for their "stupidity."
11. Learn how to laugh.
12. Complaining won't change anything. Find a solution and do it.
13. Find my voice. Speak my peace. Be my own advocate...it's ok.
14. Don't "follow behind fashion" as my awesome dad would say.  In other words..do what works for me. If all of your friends move to the suburbs but you love the city..stay in the city. You all can visit one another. Do you!
15. Adventure in life is important.
16. Resentment is a killer. Let it go.
17. Don't take myself too seriously.
18. Say thank you..often.
19. Learn how to apologize.
20. Learn how to share.
21. Love...from the parts of you that are hidden..to your toes...to the hairs on your head...love that deeply..passionately....jump into love completely...But be smart.

till the next time..
Egypt

Time is approaching.
June 7th is almost here.
I'm continuing to see myself.
I see me.
Selfish.
The one character trait I despise.
I see it in me.
I recognize that I too possess selfishness.
What an eye opener.
It humbles me.
It embarrasses me.
It stops me in my tracks.
Selfish.
I always thought of myself as a giver
When in reality I give to myself first
And not always in a wholistic take care of myself kinda way.
Moreso in a ..... I'm doing me..you do you kinda way
Selfish.
I'm working on it.
Continuing to look inward and examine the hidden parts of myself
in order to bring them to light
Expose them to the sun
And peel back the layers of the old me
Allowing "me" to shine....

I hug him tightly every chance I get…breathing in his scents of caramel and play.


My lips are at home in the nape of his neck..I wait for the moment that his eyes lock with mine and he smiles.

My little boy.

My last little one.

I hold him so close and kiss him too much because I know he’ll only be a “baby” for a “blink of the eye longer” and he won’t have fat little legs  running and playing hide and seek.

No more…”bird”…him forming little words that get me so excited because I see he’s learning and growing.

But even in his growth I want to hold him just a bit longer. Let him remain my little Plus for just a second more.

He’ll stretch out like his brother before I’m aware of it and I’ll hear “mama, can I…”…”mama..i love you.” I’ll be fussing at him about school..and his chores…soon enough.

So till that time I love on him every chance that I get. I stare into those big round eyes all day if he lets me…I’ll wake up every few hours so he can get his milk. He’ll sleep in our bed for probably a bit longer than he should…

Because when you know your baby is the last one you’ll ever have..you treasure everything.

There are so many things about this little person that I absolutely adore.

• His face. It's all kinds of mischievous.
• His laugh. It's infectious and fills me up..completely.
• His energy. He runs at high speed 100% of the time.
• "Bird"..one of the few words he says..he points outside..bird..i love it!
• His little bow legs. I stare at him running around and I'm smitten with those thick bow legs.
• His cute little butt! Lol. Who can't resist a baby's boodie!
• The way he says "huh" when you call his name.
• His insistence at closing all doors that are open.
• The way he falls out when he can't get his way. I know this shouldn't be funny to me and I don't laugh in his face...but it tickles me.
• The way his face lights up when he sees his brothers.
• Those arms around me when he's finished his bottle and is falling asleep.
• His breath...the sound of him breathing...the gift of his life.

I love my 17 month old. I'm tired most days from waking at night and feeling hung over. There's no "sleeping in"....a quickie has taken a whole new meaning (i.e...nap)...my hand bag at any given moment has one shoe, one diaper (may be clean or dirty), a toy, a book and one sock but I wouldn't change this for the world...

till the next time,

egypt

If I could…I would have told my 29 year old self that him leaving is going to be the best thing that ever happened. I would have told her to keep her head up; be grateful for the experience and move on with that little 3 year old.

I would have said, “you are so strong…don’t you see that?”…”you are so pretty..don’t you see that?”….”you are so enough….there’s nothing to prove…” I would have taken her into a deep embrace and whispered these things in her ear..almost like a lover would.

I would have said beware of the times when loneliness feels alive but it’s really not. It’s a reminder that you are growing and stretching and waiting for the “divinely appointed him” to appear.

I would have warned her about false pride…reminding her that her self worth wasn’t measured by the size of her ass…the thickness of her legs…the sexual prowess….it was measured through her character..the loveliness that had always made her a lady.

If I could talk to this “29 year old me” we would have had a real girlfriend talk. It would have been a no holds…you “bout to get cussed out”….your feelings may be hurt…”I’m just keeping it real”..kinda conversation. Because I would have had to let her know areas where she was “tripping” and remind her just how magnificent the future would be…if only she would put one foot in front of the other…and start walking.


So I say to my 39 year old self…don’t wait until you’re 49 to reflect on what you could have said. Say it now. I am everything that I have always desired to be. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I am strong enough. Pretty enough. Happy enough. …everything “enough” and then some.

I have growing to do. I have mistakes that have yet to be made but my eyes are open…my spirit is free. I am comfortable in my skin. There is nothing like the present. It should be passionate…this present moment that I’m in...and oh, it is!

My past is my greatest teacher and my future is an exciting unknown gift waiting to be opened….

till the next time,

egypt

There. Meaning accomplishing my health and fitness goals. I feel very good about my progress so far. It feels good because I have a "bit" more energy. I'm still up nightly with my greedy 17 month old son but I don't feel as fatigued. I also feel like I'm becoming more alert mentally...like a fog is lifting. I suppose God gave us all of the goodness of this earth..all of the green veggies and fruit and legumes...so that we could live full and rich lives.

I've always been a slacker with my diet..even as a child. I resisted most things good for me! Approaching my 40th has really allowed me to take stock of where I am physically and really push myself to make lifestyle changes; and it's happening!

In the meantime I am getting so excited about planning my own 40th birthday "pawty" in June! Whoop whoop! It's going to be fun!

till the next time..

Egypt

I get attitudes with him because at times I don’t think I deserve him. When you’ve spent the majority of your adult life questioning your self worth, it takes a while to get used to being treated well. I’ve spent more time than I care to admit holding my breath..waiting for the other shoe to fall…knowing "ish" is going to hit the fan. I haven’t fully accepted…although at times I do…the fact that this is good. I question things that don’t need to be questioned. I look through items expecting….what? My worst nightmare…..


But in this moment I understand how self destructive that is; how much I am sabotaging my happiness…the health of my marriage with my self doubt. I had a man tell me once..all mean cheat..no man wants to be with one woman. That same man..walked in the house one day and declared…”I want to start dating other people”…1 year into our marriage.

So I know where part of my anxiety comes from but I have to challenge that false truth that my ex husband told me. I have to continue to fight the demon of self doubt and fear. I have to fully surrender and trust that “this is good”..because it is.

I have to remember that God has not given me a spirit of fear..but of love and power. I continue to pray for my individual growth as God continues to speak to me and show me just how much He has in store for me. It isn’t too late to start appreciating his blessings….

till the next time..
Egypt

Every morning that we are blessed to wake up is an opportunity to hit that "restart" button. Yesterday's business is for yesterday....each day offers the opportunity for something new...fresh. Even if you think that yesterday's issues will affect today..change the perspective. Whatever it is...allow it today to be something different... The bills may still be there...the relationship ending may not be gone...death will still be final. But awake with the ability to say..today I start new...I approach all of my issues with a fresh pair of eyes. Sometimes things may be so overwhelming that it seems impossible to imagine just how to "restart"...that's the beauty of God. That is where the magic happens. For truly, all things through Him are possible...Not some...ALL things...when things are too overwhelming we give them away to God to heal..to make new..He makes all things new. What a blessing.

till the next time...

egypt

I think my teenagers are sloths...for real. According to Wikipedia..Sloths move only when necessary and even then very slowly..sleeping from 15 to 18 hours each day...Yep, I think these two teenage boys living in my home are sloths. I'm going to get them checked at their next physical.

I swear I have never met two more slow moving kids. One takes his time to get dressed; he's up over two hours before he has to leave for school...to look at himself repeatedly..and yet he forgets his lunch and is literally running out of the door at the last minute each day. The other one gets up 30 minutes before he has to be on the bus and takes his time with every.single.thing....and then casually strolls downstairs in order to find something to eat at 7:59 when he has to be on the bus at 8 am.

I don't know how my mother did it..and I was her kid that gave her the teenage "tude"..the angst ridden frowns and brooding that would last for days. I think that God creates teenagers as a payback for the "sins of your youth"...in other words..the stuff you put your own parents through.

Of course I love my children. I love seeing them smile..love hearing them laugh...the sound of "Ma..or Mama" gets me each time...but I swear I'm learning patience, tolerance and how to pray when dealing with the absent mindness that accompanies adolescence...the ability to play a video game or watch tv for 12 hours straight...and then stare at you blankly when they're reminded of chores.

I'm calling my mother right now....I owe her dinner..at the very least...

till the next time...



"doing what teenagers do..hang out"

 Egypt

Random.

• Stop eating Little Debbie Zebra Cakes at 11 pm.
• Stop eating a box of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes in less than 24 hours.
• Stop eating Little Debbie Zebra Cakes for breakfast with my green smoothie..(that's rachet)
• Stop using the word ratchet..as I don't really understand what it means.
• Stop using the word moron so often.."tool" has a much better ring to it.
• Stop having an attitude with my husband because of foolishness. Really. Just stop.
• Stop allowing foolishness to get on my nerves. It's a job it's supposed to annoy me. They're kids they're supposed to irritate the brown from my skin.
• Stop pestering my 16 y/o about how much cologne he wears. Yes, it's obnoxious..but he likes it.
• Start walking. Not from the bed to the box of little debbie zebra cakes and back to the bed.
• Start walking around a trail...or a track..or the neighborhood..or at least to publix to get little debbie zebra cakes.
• Get Plus 1 out of our marital bed. Um..yea..nuff said.
• Stop spending an obscene amount of time on pinterest pinning cheese recipes..if I'm trying to adopt a more vegan lifestyle.
• Press "play" in the DVD..it's the little button that lights up when you press it...Press play and start working out.
• Start drinking more water with vodka cucumbers in it. It's really good.
• Stop playing "My God is Awesome" and singing real loud.......and then
• Rapping to ..."An Effing Problem" by A$AP Rocky...
• Stop knowing who the above song is by and how to spell his name correctly...LOL
• Stop eating little debbie zebra cakes at 11:53 pm at night...it's outta control now...just stop...

till the next time
Egypt

My son.
That 13 year old of mine with twinkling eyes and a million dollar get out jail free smile. That one...I'm so protective over him. I'm definitely the mama bear when it comes to my children but Yah especially; he and I were alone for a long while before I got remarried. He has always been my buddy and has had my heart. So when he told me today that the girl he has a crush on "rejected him" I felt the lioness in me stand up. "Who is this little girl anyway and what makes her so special that she's going to reject "my son." Who does she think she is? Really...!"...Yea, I had that whole conversation....in my mind....But I said to my son...it's ok...she doesn't really know you and how great you are..because if she did she'd like you too. have (And you're only 13 so you'll  experience plenty more crushes and rejections)...He seemed to take it well although I know his little feelings were hurt.

I have to remember that I can't protect him or any of my children from everything. I have to let them get hurt....but boy is it gonna be hard....

till the next time...
Egypt

I often wonder what stamp I would have left on this earth when I'm gone. I don't mean to be morbid but I wonder what will I be remembered for; what influence would I have had on others....would I be missed...would I have mattered?

Life is probably the one thing most of us take for granted. We assume we'll live to see 100...or at the very least a close 80! We obnoxiously believe that we'll always have tomorrow to get something done...to make that phone call..to return that text..to send that card..to say, "I love you..".

But tomorrow isn't promised.

Like. at all.

Today..at this moment..is the only time that is guaranteed. The next second much less the next day is not something we know for sure will be there.

I've always said to myself that when I leave here the most important thing to me was that my child..and now children..knew just how much they mattered..how much I truly loved them..how deeply they stayed inside my soul each and every day. Those days when I'm cranky with them I say....is this the mom they'll remember? The days when I roll my eyes at the world's best husband I wonder..will he remember me having an attitude most days?

The point is to make the most of each day. We know that..it's such a cliche..but it's so true. We must seize the moment. Spread love...discard of grudges and negative feelings...forgive..admit to your wrongs and make them right..assume the best in others...enjoy that cup of coffee...kiss those kids...tell them they are truly deeply loved...make sure your spouse knows they are appreciated and you are in.love.with.them.still.....pray....thank God daily....

till the next time...
egypt

When you come into your own embarrassment goes out of the window.
There is no room for embarrassment in personal self growth. In order to grow...you will have to experience growing pains...awkward phases...stretch marks. As with these seasons there is that period when the growing pains really just seem to be sources of shame or embarrassment. Think of the awkward child blossoming into adolescence...there's acne..voice changes..feet too big to fit the body. It's so embarrassing..right?

Wrong. These changes reflect the awesome metamorphosis that is taking place. They symbolize the beginning of something incredible. They are the symbol of moving from "what was" to "what is." They signify change. And..oh! change is so dynamic..it's so necessary..it's so...nothing to be embarrassed about.

Moving into who I am...and really settling into my skin I realize that I don't have to explain why "at my age" I may not have the "this or that" that is supposed to be my stamp of approval in society. I realize that for so many of us who have the thought that something is wrong because "we don't have kids"...at this age...or "we don't own a house"..at this age...or God forbid..."not married"..at this age are not fully embracing the present. We are embarrassed about our current journey...when we are actually at our must beautiful. Because in this change we are vulnerable..raw...open...and ready for what is to come.

I embrace my "moments of embarrassment"...I embrace them with pride as they signify to me the new dawn coming...

till the next time..

egypt

I'm trying....but I've got to walk first. Finding time in my busy schedule as a wife and mother and full time employee makes it difficult to establish an exercise routine. One of my goals by my 40th birthday in June is to run a mile. I know that may seem quite insignificant but I'm so out of shape. My endurance is horrible since I've been very stagnant for the past few months. Sometimes I daydream about running...it seems so liberating and it's something I'd love to do. During the week I've started going to the nearby park and walking the trail but this has been inconsistent. I have four months before I turn 40 and I'm certain that if I really put my mind to it I can build up the endurance to run a mile. It's a great goal to have and it forces me to work on my health.

I want to be fit and active to feel good about myself but also to be present for my children as they continue to grow older. When I feel my knees ache and I get out of breath just from climbing stairs I am reminded how unacceptable that is. My 16 month old is active! The only way I'll keep up with him is to get my butt in shape!

It'll happen. I believe it.

till the next time...

egypt

That.
Drama and Foolishness.
That.
Impatience.Irritation.Resentment and Unhappiness.
That.
Ignorance and grudges.
That.
Ungratefulness and complaints.
That.
Seeing the glass is half empty..when it's clearly half full.

but what I do have time for.

Sunrises which reflect new beginnings..the ability to start over.
Sunsets which reflect the natural progression of things to end in order to make room for something new.
for the peace that passes all understanding.
for a love that is golden.
for my son's bright big eyes that make me look at myself cause he sees me.
for my son's growth and mistakes that's going to mold him into the man God called him to be.
for my son's eccentric nature that drives me mad but is teaching me about tolerance and unconditional love.
for the ability to see the blessings in the pain.
for the pain that allows me to continue to grow.
for the mistakes that are human and force me to either fall again or learn the lesson.
for parents that tried to show me...before i had to go through the pain.

i have time for all of that and then some.

till the next time...
egypt

As always I disappeared for some time...taking care of this business called life. God continues to bless and shine on my little family and I and I'm so grateful for his mercies which are new everyday!

It's a new year and I'm excited about what's in store....it's countdown to my 40th birthday in June. I've been working on so many internal changes as I approach this milestone in my life. I'm learning so many lessons...paying attention to signs...and learning to be thankful for the valleys and the frustrations and irritations that are honing me to be the woman God created me to be.

Some lessons that I've learnt in the past few months...

When you let go of anger you shed away your old skin and that's when growth begins. Saying that you've let go of anger and actually LETTING GO of the anger are two completely different things. I've spent my adult life saying "I've let go" but really holding on to the hurts and the disappointments that I believed were my story. I realize now that as I've actually let things go...released the anger..released the resentment..released the pain..I'm so much lighter...I'm so much happier. I'm free.

It's ok to let people know what my boundaries are...this doesn't make me a "bitch"...it makes me grown. And it makes relationships more authentic.

Spiritual growth is an internal process...it's not determined by your parent's relationship with God/The Most High/The Creator..it's your own intimate and personal journey. It doesn't have to be explained to anyone. God knows your heart and that's who you have to deal with.

My son...little Plus is 16 months old and FULL OF LIFE. I'm seeing the simple things in life all over through his eyes...the little things like raindrops and grass that fascinate him and are beautiful are a reminder that God doesn't make mistakes...Plus was diagnosed with Sickle Cell Anemia at birth. He's been hospitalized four times since his birth, most recently in January. My husband and I know that Plus has a purpose so this medical diagnosis won't stop him...

I hope to continue putting my thoughts on paper..this is my release.

Till the next time

Egypt