Wow!

Today was supposed to be a day from hell. It was supposed to rock my emotional center and at the very least have me consider changing my job as a case manager to ... I don't know..a mystery shopper. I knew that today was going to be one of those days that went down in history. I could feel it in my spirit at least two weeks before it got here.

The catalyst to this was my son leaving for the summer. Yums was supposed to leave for Las Vegas today. I couldn't imagine how I was going to possibly go to the airport in the middle of the day to get him on a flight and still get back to work to complete the 100 kazillion cases I just knew I'd have to do. Well...his dad told me a few days prior that Yums ticket was actually for Saturday and not Friday...crisis averted! Whew!

Or so I thought....see I'd already put into motion what I expected my day to be like..a mess! It came as no surprise then, when our power went out last night due to a storm. I tried not to worry too much but a little voice inside of me kept saying...you don't need this on a Friday..you know tomorrow is going to be epic! When the power was restored in the middle of the night I said a silent prayer and watched the recaps of The Heat moving on to the finals {Yay D.Wade!}.

Shortly thereafter there was a clap of thunder, a flash of light and just like that...the power was off again. "Oh sh** ..." We awoke this morning to the power still out but this is where my story takes the turn it needed.

In the moment that I realized the power was off and there was no way of knowing what time it would be restored I started to center myself. I preoccupied my mind with being at peace with the day. I was not going to allow the day to turn into the epic failure I'd imagined and I waited with an absolutely serene mind.

For the next few hours the power was restored momentarily and I was able to get some work done but then it went out until almost noon. But by then I'd prepared myself for a day that would be just short of blissful. I wasn't going to go into a panic and this worked. I was able to complete all of my work assignments not just on time, but early.

See, the power of thought could have created whatever kind of day I expected. It could have turned out incredibly stressful or wonderfully peaceful. I chose the latter and I ended my work day with a smile on my face.

Our thoughts create our reality.

Have a glorious weekend!

I had my second trimester ultrasound yesterday and I was smitten with my little baby. I saw him/her sucking their finger, crossing their legs and leaning their hand against their face. The ultra sound technician commented that we had a "busy body" in there because he/she kept moving and squirming. I was in love. The experience was all the more wonderful because Yahoshua was able to see this miracle of life on screen. Everything looked good and we wait patiently for his or her spectacular arrival.

I was grateful to learn that physically all appears to be going well with our baby. It's a blessing to know that our child appears to be developing well with no apparent abnormalities or hiccups. God is good.

What the ultrasound couldn't tell me is who this baby will be. What kind of personality will they have? Will they be introverted or a social butterfly? What will they like and dislike? Will they be stubborn? Will they love to learn? Will they be easy to raise?  Will they love hard? Will they believe in marriage and family? What will move them to tears? What will their purpose be in life? Is this our next great leader?

The ultrasound can't predict who my unborn child will be. The great unfolding of life will show us that. As parents it will be up to us to groom this baby to be of good character, to have confidence and to love the Creator and love his family. We have to instill a love of reading in him/her and expose them to their cultural heritage. We have to teach them about the world at large and how they fit in. It will be up to my husband and me to teach them that they have a purpose in this life and to help them find that purpose.

The ultrasound couldn't show us what the Creator can and that's the most important....

If my husband is my reflection and my chosen mate by God then the Creator has vision that I didn't or don't have.

My husband is patient and seldom gets annoyed or irritated while my ongoing daily phrase is....someone is annoying me.

My husband is confident and strong while at times I feel weak and afraid.

My husband is direct about his feelings and thoughts while I tend to speak in tongues and beat around the bush until you "kinda figure out" what I'm talking about.

My husband is forgiving. While I've often thought of myself as a forgiving person I tend to hold grudges against people that I've felt hurt me the most in life.

My husband cares deeply about everyone and sees the goodness in people. {Reference the above comment where I speak daily about being annoyed by someone.}

My husband will deal with a problem head on and with swiftness while I attempt to sweep things under the rug until I trip.

Because I know this man is my reflection I know that I know that I am all of the positive traits and qualities I see in him. Maybe I don't always feel this way but the primary reason he CHOSE me was because I reflected him in the perfect and divine way.

It's wonderful to be married to someone who you look up to and respect because it allows you to constantly strive to be the best person. It is a daily reminder to shape and mold your character in the likeness of God because you see the god in your spouse.

I'm grateful that God saw what I didn't and allowed me to be in a marriage where I will continue to grow and be groomed; to be my husband's reflection as he is mine and ultimately  reflect the Creator's love.

I awoke this morning with the bible verse....create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me....resonating in my thoughts. It was my first thought when I opened my eyes.

This verse is extra special to me right now as I carry Plus One. Everything that my son or daughter is experiencing is through me. Their taste, sounds, and most importantly thoughts and emotions are colored by the landscape of what I'm feeling and thinking. If my thoughts arent' pure and my temple is toxic I am creating that same environment for them. It is up to me to continue to create the purest environment for him or her to grow. It doesn't matter how many juicy fruits I eat and how much spring water I drink if my thoughts are full of junk. It's as important that I'm feeding him or her good energy.

So I ask the Creator this morning to create in me a clean heart...renew a right spirit within me..so that I may follow what is good and righteous and may provide my child a healthy start in life....

A few weeks ago we went to church. It's not a regular ritual but sometimes the spirit moves and I'm inclined to go where I'm led. On this particular day the speaker was speaking about fears. He asked each of us to place in a basket what our deepest fear was. I knew almost immediately what mine was....

The idea of living in fear on a daily basis.

Fear,for me, has been a constant. As a child my father would laugh and say I was scared of my own shadow. As a wife, my hubby often remarks that I'm the "scariest", meaning most fearful of everything, person that he knows. We laugh about it but the truth to that statement is eye opening.

My fear runs the gamut from lizards, although I grew up on an island, to death. I live in fear that my marriage could end. My children could die. I could lose my job. I could lose my house. I could lose my health. I could lose me. The slightest provocation that hints to one of my fears can send me into an anxiety driven emotional roller coaster.

It's hard to live like this. I know this. I work on the things that scare me on a daily basis...being confrontational and direct...learning to drive a stick shift...jumping into 7 feet of water although I can't swim...knowing that my husband truly loves me and isn't going anywhere...believing that if I were to die my children would be ok...believing that everything that is for me I either have or will have.

But the one thing I want most is to live life fear free. I want to lose myself in the reality that life is not a scary place. Yes, things happen...bad things happen to good people...etc. but they have not happened to me. My perpetual state of "what if" doesn't allow me truly enjoy the little and big moments of life.

What if I truly lived this one life free from the things that haunt me? What if allowed life to show me its beauty? What if I allowed my happy moments to be...knowing that  happiness is compromised of moments...one experience to the next. What if I trusted the now? What if I believed that the past is over and I have nothing to fear from it. The present is perfect and serene and the future will be just that....what is to come.

And the big bad monster that hides behind my emotional doors doesn't have to exist. My joy, my happiness, my peace and bliss can dispel that monster. I know this....now I have to live it...

Yums has had 11 years getting to me. As he gets older our relationship will change with maturity, his life experiences and time. For plus one, he/she is getting to know me right now on an intrinsic level. He feels all that I do and experiences all of my pleasure and pain in utero.

I always say...should anything ever happen to me there are a few things I want my children to know and remember about me...

• they were not a mistake. i loved them from conception till my last day...
• i love to dance. and i can't dance.
• i love love to listen to music. even now i stand in front of the radio listening to something jazzy and hoping the baby is picking up the energy. when yums was a baby i danced with him close to my chest for years until he was a big boy and then we danced together all the time.
• i am silly. little things make me laugh.
• i adore the quirkiness in others. the things that make someone a little different i find very wonderful.
• little flaws i find beautiful.
• i cry very easily. more so now because i'm pregnant. but anything from the sound of the waves to the sound of my child's voice can move me to tears.
• i hurt easily....and hope my children don't inherit this. i wear my emotions on my sleeve and still have difficulty masking what i feel.
• i love to decorate. i tend to gravitate towards things that are eclectic. decorating centers me and puts me at peace.
• i don't practice a set religion. i was raised adventist. i have christian teachings thoroughly ingrained in me but i tend to be moved by more eastern philosophy. i believe in God/the Creator with everything. there is no question about that.
• spirit moves me.
• i am impulsive and don't always really think things through...like the time i bought my first SUV...went up to the dealership..test drove it..and away we went..i loved that rodeo!
• yums was my first real love. really.
• i love deeply. i've given my pearls to swine more times than i can count but my love experiences have shaped me into who i am today.
• i pray i age with grace and will be here to see my children grow up.....

We aren't finding out the gender of our baby until the day of delivery. I wanted it to be an super suprise....I wanted to hear those words..you have a beautiful.......boy! or girl! When people ask if I have a preference I always say no. My standard response is..I want a healthy, happy, juicy, perfectly developed child. And I mean that. But...do I have a preference?

Years ago I'd daydream of having a daughter. I imagined I'd name her Zion and she'd be chocolate and beautiful and I'd dress her in rainbow colored tights and butterfly shirts. I'd color her room in shades of pink and she'd be my little doll baby to groom. And my reasons for having a daughter started and ended right there. There wasn't any more depth to it.

As my son, Yums, continues to grow up I find myself saying that I wouldn't mind having a house full of boys. I love the mother/son connection and in my opinion raising my boy has been pretty easy. Granted we've visited hospitals on a number of occasions for various bumps and bruises; and he's certainly had his share of playing in school and finding video games extremely more interesting than books! But all in all, he's been a good kid.

So sometimes when I'm quiet and alone in my thoughts I believe that I really wouldn't mind if this little person growing inside of me is another boy but then I wonder about my other reasons for not necessarily wanting a girl.

The truth of the matter is, there is so much more involved in the raising and grooming of a daughter than the way she looks and the color pink. Of course, it would be fun to play dress up with an infant daughter but what happens when she starts to grow up? I wonder, am I capable of raising a daughter for more than the superficial reasons? Can I handle the responsibility that is involved in shaping a nation. And that's what it is...

If I have a daughter I will be raising a nation.

That goes way beyond what she looks like and what she wears. That involves ongoing lessons about self esteem, character, discipline, love, spirituality, culture and so much more. These are the same lessons that I teach my son but I realize that as I teach my daughter these very same lessons she will pass them down through her own teaching when she becomes a mother. What I give her will shape who she is and whose she is. Will she be a part of this world or will she know she's a part of a higher, spiritual realm that demands more?

The weighty responsibility of raising a girl is on my mind. There are certain issues that I still face as an African American woman and I wonder..how will I not pass down those same fears...those insecurities and doubts? Will I be capable of teaching her that she is so much more than the standards the world sets up for women...for Black women?

As I contemplate the fact that I may have a queen being developed deep within me, I trust that I am capable to give her what she needs. I know that she won't just be my pretty little girl but the next great teacher that will raise a nation long after I'm gone.

And I know I'm preparing for that...

Graduation Day

As I continue on this pregnancy journey there are so many things that I think about. So many character gifts that I would love for my child to have and other human traits that I pray about daily.

We, as humans, are all liars by nature. We lie by omission. We lie to ourselves. We lie by default. We lie in a pickle and sometimes just because. Some of us are better at it than others. I, for one, have a difficult time telling a lie. When I was a child I used to lie so badly that my mother would look at me in amazement as if to say..is that really the best that you could do?

It's just not in me to lie blatantly, bold face, with a reckless abandon. Now, of course I have told lies before.I've lied to myself about so many things. I've told that "little white lie" to leave work early or not go to school when I was younger. I've said to someone that the meal was delicious when I barely was able to stomach it without vomiting. Yes, I have and am a liar at times. But it's something that I work on daily. Even the little lies add up...so it's best to really do away, as much as possible, with the whole act.

I pray for my child's character. I pray that the spirit of deceit and the ability to lie without batting an eye is not something he or she will inherit. I pray that he or she understands the importance of speaking the truth. I pray they grow in wisdom and understanding that it is not admirable to lie to those you love to save them from harsh truths. I want them to understand that there is nothing more damaging to the human spirit than to know that the person they loved looked them squarely in the eye and perpetuated deceit. I pray for their truth.

I think about these things knowing that he or she will have their own path. I know the character in this baby has to be groomed and shaped and prayed over. I know as a mother it is my responsibility to feed their soul well and to provide him or her with the good nutrients spiritually, emotionally and holistically he or she will need to be that honest person.

And as I pray that their character is constantly shaped into the likeness of God it will also help me in my growth to be the woman I was called to be....

I'm a sensitive thing. I love hard. I forgive easily. I'm often emotionally  naked. I make myself vulnerable without batting a eye. I put myself out there.

And when my feelings get hurt because I feel someone has taken advantage of me in anyway or taken my openness for granted then I close up. I completely dry up. I shut down. I'm quick to say..it's ok but inside it stings like crazy.

I have to learn that if someone doesn't respond to me in the way that I'd imagine or expect because of my emotional generosity it really is ok. It doesn't make them a bad person. It doesn't make me stupid for being vulnerable. It means they are not ready to receive what  I have to give emotionally. And that really is ok.

I have to learn what to do from there. I have to really understand that you let it be. Don't take it personally and don't condemn that person. Allow it to be.

But that's the most difficult part for me.....

Plus 1. That's the nickname for our little baby. We call our three children the SKY team {Safi, Kemet, Yahoshua} and this baby makes..plus one. Cute, right?

So in the last 17 weeks my life has been quite interesting....my appetite has been up and down and my cravings have ranged from the most healthy snacks to a random assortment of preservatives and additives..in other words..junk!

The first few weeks I couldn't get enough french fries, grilled cheese and strawberrypeachpineapple soda. Oh my goodness! I usually don't even drink the stuff but me and Fanta had a deep rooted love affair for a while. And the vegetarian in me was on some preadolescence..turbulent teen..rebellious stage. Now, to set the record straight, I did not indulge in any meat but Lord how I wanted to. My desires..my lustful wants ranged everywhere from a Nathan's hot dog..which I've never had..to pepperoni..which I've never had..to a big ole juicy hamburger..which I've also never had. Do you see a particular theme? I craved all the meats that even in my days of carnivorism [i know that's not a word!], I didn't indulge in...Weird.

Just the other day we were eating at a restaurant and my son was devouring a plate of hot buffalo wings [which I've never had...]. The smell overpowered me. It took everything in me and the restraint of my husband not to leap over the table and devour the entire plate...I could see myself..on the table [of course] ingesting as quickly as possible every single piece of chicken that was on that plate. My son laughed at me when I told him both he and the chicken were in big trouble. He then suggested I try some. When I told him that I didn't eat a piece of meat when I was preggers with him he politely reminded me that that's why he has various birthmarks on his body shaped like chicken wings...

This little baby is something else.

But luckily my most recent obsession has been for mangoes, watermelon, kiwi's, sparkling water and almost anything with lemon in it.

Overall, I'm starting to feel a lot more like myself. I'm less cranky and irritable [unless I don't eat] and I'm really enjoying my belly starting to poke out. It's cute and the hubby can't seem to get enough of it...

• Don’t pride yourself on your ability to be dishonest. Practice honesty and take pride in that.



• Remember, a moment’s decision can have a life long consequence.


• Learn to speak your mind and be confident in your decision.


• Understand your self worth.


• Be happy first. Work on your happy relentlessly.


• Always have a peace of mind.


• Practice good manners, saying please and thank you will never go out of style.


• Be conscious of your money. Learn to appreciate and value it. Learn to manage it wisely.


• Love fully. Take lessons from your heart AND your head.


• Remember family always, always, always will come first.


• Know that there is a Creator; understand that the wind and the air didn’t JUST evolve.


• Understand the god in you.


• Know with each fiber of your being just how much you are loved..so deeply.


• Take time to laugh..every day.


• Religion is not a title. It’s a way of life.


• Your character defines you. Work on this daily and with passion.

My husband,

Every day with you is like winning the lottery. You are truly God's gift to me and through your love I can really experience His richest blessings. You are a rarity and a gem amongst men. You are not the norm. Your wisdom, you intuitiveness, your depth and your love only come around once in truly a blue moon.

On my worst days when I am cranky and irritable you respond to me with warmth and compassion. You understand how I'm feeling; what I'm feeling and what I need and then you go to work. You daily remind me that I am your queen. You never let me forget that I am the prettiest girl in the world and your best best friend ever.

For you I am so grateful. With you life takes on a different hue. Our sorrows and our times of challenges become easier to deal with. Those times of passion and bliss are even more sweeter when we share them together. You are my heart and next to God you are the center of my life.

Our children are so blessed to have you as their father. Our community is enriched because of your selflessness and humility.

My love, my husband, my very best friend...I just can't wait to continue every twist and turn of our journey. Together we have everything we need in life and then just a little bit more.....we are more than lucky. We are blessed.

Loving you forever,
your darling wife, egypt