My son.
That 13 year old of mine with twinkling eyes and a million dollar get out jail free smile. That one...I'm so protective over him. I'm definitely the mama bear when it comes to my children but Yah especially; he and I were alone for a long while before I got remarried. He has always been my buddy and has had my heart. So when he told me today that the girl he has a crush on "rejected him" I felt the lioness in me stand up. "Who is this little girl anyway and what makes her so special that she's going to reject "my son." Who does she think she is? Really...!"...Yea, I had that whole conversation....in my mind....But I said to my son...it's ok...she doesn't really know you and how great you are..because if she did she'd like you too. have (And you're only 13 so you'll  experience plenty more crushes and rejections)...He seemed to take it well although I know his little feelings were hurt.

I have to remember that I can't protect him or any of my children from everything. I have to let them get hurt....but boy is it gonna be hard....

till the next time...
Egypt

I often wonder what stamp I would have left on this earth when I'm gone. I don't mean to be morbid but I wonder what will I be remembered for; what influence would I have had on others....would I be missed...would I have mattered?

Life is probably the one thing most of us take for granted. We assume we'll live to see 100...or at the very least a close 80! We obnoxiously believe that we'll always have tomorrow to get something done...to make that phone call..to return that text..to send that card..to say, "I love you..".

But tomorrow isn't promised.

Like. at all.

Today..at this moment..is the only time that is guaranteed. The next second much less the next day is not something we know for sure will be there.

I've always said to myself that when I leave here the most important thing to me was that my child..and now children..knew just how much they mattered..how much I truly loved them..how deeply they stayed inside my soul each and every day. Those days when I'm cranky with them I say....is this the mom they'll remember? The days when I roll my eyes at the world's best husband I wonder..will he remember me having an attitude most days?

The point is to make the most of each day. We know that..it's such a cliche..but it's so true. We must seize the moment. Spread love...discard of grudges and negative feelings...forgive..admit to your wrongs and make them right..assume the best in others...enjoy that cup of coffee...kiss those kids...tell them they are truly deeply loved...make sure your spouse knows they are appreciated and you are in.love.with.them.still.....pray....thank God daily....

till the next time...
egypt

When you come into your own embarrassment goes out of the window.
There is no room for embarrassment in personal self growth. In order to grow...you will have to experience growing pains...awkward phases...stretch marks. As with these seasons there is that period when the growing pains really just seem to be sources of shame or embarrassment. Think of the awkward child blossoming into adolescence...there's acne..voice changes..feet too big to fit the body. It's so embarrassing..right?

Wrong. These changes reflect the awesome metamorphosis that is taking place. They symbolize the beginning of something incredible. They are the symbol of moving from "what was" to "what is." They signify change. And..oh! change is so dynamic..it's so necessary..it's so...nothing to be embarrassed about.

Moving into who I am...and really settling into my skin I realize that I don't have to explain why "at my age" I may not have the "this or that" that is supposed to be my stamp of approval in society. I realize that for so many of us who have the thought that something is wrong because "we don't have kids"...at this age...or "we don't own a house"..at this age...or God forbid..."not married"..at this age are not fully embracing the present. We are embarrassed about our current journey...when we are actually at our must beautiful. Because in this change we are vulnerable..raw...open...and ready for what is to come.

I embrace my "moments of embarrassment"...I embrace them with pride as they signify to me the new dawn coming...

till the next time..

egypt

I'm trying....but I've got to walk first. Finding time in my busy schedule as a wife and mother and full time employee makes it difficult to establish an exercise routine. One of my goals by my 40th birthday in June is to run a mile. I know that may seem quite insignificant but I'm so out of shape. My endurance is horrible since I've been very stagnant for the past few months. Sometimes I daydream about running...it seems so liberating and it's something I'd love to do. During the week I've started going to the nearby park and walking the trail but this has been inconsistent. I have four months before I turn 40 and I'm certain that if I really put my mind to it I can build up the endurance to run a mile. It's a great goal to have and it forces me to work on my health.

I want to be fit and active to feel good about myself but also to be present for my children as they continue to grow older. When I feel my knees ache and I get out of breath just from climbing stairs I am reminded how unacceptable that is. My 16 month old is active! The only way I'll keep up with him is to get my butt in shape!

It'll happen. I believe it.

till the next time...

egypt

That.
Drama and Foolishness.
That.
Impatience.Irritation.Resentment and Unhappiness.
That.
Ignorance and grudges.
That.
Ungratefulness and complaints.
That.
Seeing the glass is half empty..when it's clearly half full.

but what I do have time for.

Sunrises which reflect new beginnings..the ability to start over.
Sunsets which reflect the natural progression of things to end in order to make room for something new.
for the peace that passes all understanding.
for a love that is golden.
for my son's bright big eyes that make me look at myself cause he sees me.
for my son's growth and mistakes that's going to mold him into the man God called him to be.
for my son's eccentric nature that drives me mad but is teaching me about tolerance and unconditional love.
for the ability to see the blessings in the pain.
for the pain that allows me to continue to grow.
for the mistakes that are human and force me to either fall again or learn the lesson.
for parents that tried to show me...before i had to go through the pain.

i have time for all of that and then some.

till the next time...
egypt

As always I disappeared for some time...taking care of this business called life. God continues to bless and shine on my little family and I and I'm so grateful for his mercies which are new everyday!

It's a new year and I'm excited about what's in store....it's countdown to my 40th birthday in June. I've been working on so many internal changes as I approach this milestone in my life. I'm learning so many lessons...paying attention to signs...and learning to be thankful for the valleys and the frustrations and irritations that are honing me to be the woman God created me to be.

Some lessons that I've learnt in the past few months...

When you let go of anger you shed away your old skin and that's when growth begins. Saying that you've let go of anger and actually LETTING GO of the anger are two completely different things. I've spent my adult life saying "I've let go" but really holding on to the hurts and the disappointments that I believed were my story. I realize now that as I've actually let things go...released the anger..released the resentment..released the pain..I'm so much lighter...I'm so much happier. I'm free.

It's ok to let people know what my boundaries are...this doesn't make me a "bitch"...it makes me grown. And it makes relationships more authentic.

Spiritual growth is an internal process...it's not determined by your parent's relationship with God/The Most High/The Creator..it's your own intimate and personal journey. It doesn't have to be explained to anyone. God knows your heart and that's who you have to deal with.

My son...little Plus is 16 months old and FULL OF LIFE. I'm seeing the simple things in life all over through his eyes...the little things like raindrops and grass that fascinate him and are beautiful are a reminder that God doesn't make mistakes...Plus was diagnosed with Sickle Cell Anemia at birth. He's been hospitalized four times since his birth, most recently in January. My husband and I know that Plus has a purpose so this medical diagnosis won't stop him...

I hope to continue putting my thoughts on paper..this is my release.

Till the next time

Egypt

Nothing much going on in terms of me accomplishing my fabulous list. It seems that I've been kind of all over the place. My home is full of kids again since all of the kids returned from their respective parent's home. I'm trying to juggle getting everyone ready for school, maintaining our new home, figuring out what to do about the baby's child care situation, improving my wifely skills....I feel like I'm doing 100 things at once. In addition, there are a number of changes going on at my company and keeping up with them has left me feeling tired.

A good place to start on my 40x40 challenge is a detox. I need to detox myself physically as well as mentally to get a fresh perspective....