When you come into your own embarrassment goes out of the window.
There is no room for embarrassment in personal self growth. In order to grow...you will have to experience growing pains...awkward phases...stretch marks. As with these seasons there is that period when the growing pains really just seem to be sources of shame or embarrassment. Think of the awkward child blossoming into adolescence...there's acne..voice changes..feet too big to fit the body. It's so embarrassing..right?

Wrong. These changes reflect the awesome metamorphosis that is taking place. They symbolize the beginning of something incredible. They are the symbol of moving from "what was" to "what is." They signify change. And..oh! change is so dynamic..it's so necessary..it's so...nothing to be embarrassed about.

Moving into who I am...and really settling into my skin I realize that I don't have to explain why "at my age" I may not have the "this or that" that is supposed to be my stamp of approval in society. I realize that for so many of us who have the thought that something is wrong because "we don't have kids"...at this age...or "we don't own a house"..at this age...or God forbid..."not married"..at this age are not fully embracing the present. We are embarrassed about our current journey...when we are actually at our must beautiful. Because in this change we are vulnerable..raw...open...and ready for what is to come.

I embrace my "moments of embarrassment"...I embrace them with pride as they signify to me the new dawn coming...

till the next time..

egypt

I'm trying....but I've got to walk first. Finding time in my busy schedule as a wife and mother and full time employee makes it difficult to establish an exercise routine. One of my goals by my 40th birthday in June is to run a mile. I know that may seem quite insignificant but I'm so out of shape. My endurance is horrible since I've been very stagnant for the past few months. Sometimes I daydream about running...it seems so liberating and it's something I'd love to do. During the week I've started going to the nearby park and walking the trail but this has been inconsistent. I have four months before I turn 40 and I'm certain that if I really put my mind to it I can build up the endurance to run a mile. It's a great goal to have and it forces me to work on my health.

I want to be fit and active to feel good about myself but also to be present for my children as they continue to grow older. When I feel my knees ache and I get out of breath just from climbing stairs I am reminded how unacceptable that is. My 16 month old is active! The only way I'll keep up with him is to get my butt in shape!

It'll happen. I believe it.

till the next time...

egypt

That.
Drama and Foolishness.
That.
Impatience.Irritation.Resentment and Unhappiness.
That.
Ignorance and grudges.
That.
Ungratefulness and complaints.
That.
Seeing the glass is half empty..when it's clearly half full.

but what I do have time for.

Sunrises which reflect new beginnings..the ability to start over.
Sunsets which reflect the natural progression of things to end in order to make room for something new.
for the peace that passes all understanding.
for a love that is golden.
for my son's bright big eyes that make me look at myself cause he sees me.
for my son's growth and mistakes that's going to mold him into the man God called him to be.
for my son's eccentric nature that drives me mad but is teaching me about tolerance and unconditional love.
for the ability to see the blessings in the pain.
for the pain that allows me to continue to grow.
for the mistakes that are human and force me to either fall again or learn the lesson.
for parents that tried to show me...before i had to go through the pain.

i have time for all of that and then some.

till the next time...
egypt

As always I disappeared for some time...taking care of this business called life. God continues to bless and shine on my little family and I and I'm so grateful for his mercies which are new everyday!

It's a new year and I'm excited about what's in store....it's countdown to my 40th birthday in June. I've been working on so many internal changes as I approach this milestone in my life. I'm learning so many lessons...paying attention to signs...and learning to be thankful for the valleys and the frustrations and irritations that are honing me to be the woman God created me to be.

Some lessons that I've learnt in the past few months...

When you let go of anger you shed away your old skin and that's when growth begins. Saying that you've let go of anger and actually LETTING GO of the anger are two completely different things. I've spent my adult life saying "I've let go" but really holding on to the hurts and the disappointments that I believed were my story. I realize now that as I've actually let things go...released the anger..released the resentment..released the pain..I'm so much lighter...I'm so much happier. I'm free.

It's ok to let people know what my boundaries are...this doesn't make me a "bitch"...it makes me grown. And it makes relationships more authentic.

Spiritual growth is an internal process...it's not determined by your parent's relationship with God/The Most High/The Creator..it's your own intimate and personal journey. It doesn't have to be explained to anyone. God knows your heart and that's who you have to deal with.

My son...little Plus is 16 months old and FULL OF LIFE. I'm seeing the simple things in life all over through his eyes...the little things like raindrops and grass that fascinate him and are beautiful are a reminder that God doesn't make mistakes...Plus was diagnosed with Sickle Cell Anemia at birth. He's been hospitalized four times since his birth, most recently in January. My husband and I know that Plus has a purpose so this medical diagnosis won't stop him...

I hope to continue putting my thoughts on paper..this is my release.

Till the next time

Egypt

Nothing much going on in terms of me accomplishing my fabulous list. It seems that I've been kind of all over the place. My home is full of kids again since all of the kids returned from their respective parent's home. I'm trying to juggle getting everyone ready for school, maintaining our new home, figuring out what to do about the baby's child care situation, improving my wifely skills....I feel like I'm doing 100 things at once. In addition, there are a number of changes going on at my company and keeping up with them has left me feeling tired.

A good place to start on my 40x40 challenge is a detox. I need to detox myself physically as well as mentally to get a fresh perspective....

In two days I'll be 39...where did time go? My last year in my 30's.  Wow, I can remember turning 30 like it was yesterday. To honor and fully engage in this year I plan to compile a list of 40 things I want to accomplish by age 40. I'll post that list on my birthday...June 7th.

This week...

my son turned 6 months old...he's cooing, laughing, reaching for everything, trying to crawl...still not sleeping through the night.

me and coffee have had a serious romance going on as a result.

i realized that as my body goes through its transition instead of wearing clothes in sizes that i assume should fit me i should probably buy/wear clothes in the size i  currently am. i will look better and feel better about myself instead of being completely bewildered as to why my pre pregnancy jeans still don't fit.

i also realized that i actually needed to tone up before i even got pregnant.

i'm falling in love with my hair! i'm really happy that it's growing out completely from scratch. i feel as if i'm giving it the opportunity to grow in a healthy state.

in other news i'm still mixing up concoctions for my hair which hubby finds hilarious because i technically still have hardly any hair on my  head. i told him it's to keep my scalp healthy...i don't think he bought it.

i came into the understanding that although there are things at my job that drive me insane i am still very very blessed to be in the position that i'm in. i work from home full time and my son doesn't have to be in daycare. it doesn't get any better than that. really.

i continued to realize just how great my husband is. he is truly one in a million. he's a rare breed and he's my blessing from God. it's only by God's grace and favor that he's in my life and we're married. every day i have to say thank you to the Creator because without Him we wouldn't be.

overall it was a great week.