I've been thinking. There are times that I want to speak to a certain friend of mine and I can't. I call her..often..and she may not return my calls. I may text her and she doesn't respond. She has a lot going on in her life and I understand this. But when I think about it this has been our pattern for many years. She is always just a bit out of reach. And she's the one I tend to share my most deepest hurts and fears and needs with. She's the one I tend to get very naked with. But she's hard to reach. And when this happens it hurts my feelings. I thought about it today...because I felt I needed her.. but then I realized something.

I have people in my life who I can get naked with.

I have friends who I can cry to..cry with..share the parts of me that are so raw and ugly but they'll still love me. But because she's always been the one that I turned to FIRST I felt she's the only one or the main one that I can go to. But that's not true. I have such a loving and warm circle of friends who I can turn to when I feel.....

And isn't it the same thing in our relationships? We want that person SO badly who we think is the only person who will fulfill our desires/needs. And that person is pseudo available or that person doesn't or can't provide for us in the way that we need it or want it. And despite the fact that there may be someone else who can and will we stay STUCK waiting for THAT person to give us something they never will.

I'm going to start letting go and I mean really letting go of my expectations with my friend. I will always love her. She will always be very close to my heart but I have to see the reality of the situation and that is that I will continue to be disappointed by her.

I have all that I need and want and I need to open my eyes to that reality.

My love and I often speak about being totally honest and truthful with one another. We like to discuss the utopia of having a relationship like a friendship where you can be your true self like you are with your friends. And we like to believe that we have that or something close to it. But as I pondered that today it occurred to me that the reason we don't show up totally naked in a relationship as we may do with our friends is because we don't want our mates to see that side of us. You know..the side that's not "your best side." The side that is really insecure, the side that you take to your friends to ask questions that may seem ridiculous and slightly crazy to your mate but to your friends totally reasonable. You don't want your mate to see that side of you that quivers with fear that they'll leave and find someone more...more of whatever it is you're insecure about. You don't want them to see the side that is healing and still damaged from childhood haunts. Now eventually these sides do show up in one form or the other. But we usually go to our friends to filter them first. So if you showed up completely naked in this way to your mate could they handle it? Could they handle seeing you without your "big girl face on." Without your "I have it mostly together" bravado that you try and wear? I try to show up this naked in my relationship but it is hard. It's scary becasue suppose he doesn't like what he sees?

I love looking at older couples. You know the type. There shoulders are slightly slouched. They are holding wrinkled hands and walking slowly together. They look like commitment. But I always wonder what they still talk about after 20, 30, 40...50 years together. I'm sure they complete each other's sentences and can likely guess what the other is thinking. I wonder if they maintained a sense of self during their relationship? Did they continue to read and learn or participate in life and in that way stay interesting and intriguing to their mates? Sometimes we become so enmeshed with our partners that we lose a sense of who we are or we forget to do things that are not only interesting to us but will keep us interesting to our spouses. I believe in doing so you will continue to have things to talk about. You will still have fascinating stories to share and little jokes between the two of you. Keep dancing or singing or baking or running or starting your own publishing company or coffee shop or...whatever it is. You'll always have a story to share with the one you love.

Having spent an entire summer with children almost every single day has given me a much more profound appreciation for patience, time off, and peace. Of course with children come a dozen questions, one of the more popular being...are we there yet? This question may be asked as we are driving out of the driveway...going onto the highway..just up the street...it doesn't matter; the question will get asked....where are we going..and are we there yet? Just like me..just like us in relationships. Are we there yet? Where are we going? Have we arrived? The complex joy of a car ride is the journey...the destination is great but it's the experience of getting there. As in a relationship it's the journey that is so exquisite..it's the memories that are formed and embedded in the safest part of your being. It's the time together and the kisses for no reason. It's the connection and the delight in being with your reflection that makes it all worth it. At times we get insane wanting to know just when exactly we will get to our destination in the relationship. Maybe where you are is your destination. Maybe the next step of....living together...getting married...having children..is the destination. The journey will reveal what your destination is. When you are driving to the store you know where you're going and you head in that direction...sometimes accidents or traffic causes your trip to go slower or completely derails it but you figure out a different route or head to a different store. So when you are loved and being loved you hope to have the same destination in mind. Be sure that you both do. Otherwise you may be headed to the altar..and your mate is not. You may have to try a different way of doing things/looking at things or you may simply have to go in a completely different direction with a completely different person. You will get to your destination but as you do enjoy the journey.....

Marriage. The end all and be all of commitment. The ultimate expression of commitment. Till death do us part..I vow..never to be attracted to another. Right? Once we get married our attraction and desire towards anyone else is ultimately killed, right? Really? This belief system may lead to a marriage that is not rooted in realistic expectations. Our commitment to our committment will prayerfully be the reason Fidelity is maintained. But we have to know that whether in a long term committed relationship/marriage you will always find attraction on some level to other people. It's human nature to find others attractive either on a physical/sexual/spiritual/ intellectual level. It's what you do with that attraction. As with anything else, do you feed it or starve it? Feed it by maintaining a friendship with someone you have an innate attraction to? Or starve it by creating boundaries and not putting yourself in a situation that will prove unhealthy to your relationship. It may be uncomfortable but it's important to have discussions about this with your spouse. Talk about your expectations or beliefs about what attraction is or how it looks when you're in a relationship. Discuss what kind of boundaries are needed and expected. Find out if you and your spouse have similar beliefs when it comes to this area in your relationship. Understand that marriage is going to be a life long process and learning experience but it will not be the cure to our human selves. Practicing the muscle of discipline and character development will be that salve....

Not really anyway. You really don't get Personal Time Off when you are a mother. Even if you're children aren't with you you're thinking about them. Thinking about what they need, wondering if they're ok, planning lunch/dinner. Your mind/spirit/body is always working....so even if you don't feel like doing your mommy duties you have too. And you have to find some positive energy in you to do it with some graciousness and less crabbiness. So isn't it pretty much the same thing in a relationship? You don't really get personal time off. That person is always on your mind, you are concerned about their needs and thinking of ways to be happy and add to their happiness. Even when you don't feel like it. I believe the way to be a successful parent and partner is to remember that. And more importantly, to remember that with your partner. We sometimes lose the politeness and "obligatory niceties" with our mates because they are the ones we get naked with..so they can handle our unpleasant mood and indifferent behavior. But just as a relationship with your child/children can be hurt if you are constantly impatient, don't show love and act like they are generally a pain in your ***...your relationship with your partner can be hurt in the same way. It takes a lot of patience and prayer but we have to push ourselves to be better parents and better partners. And of course...take some time "to yourself by yourself" to rejuvenate your spirit..that is your personal time...and then return to your warm family circle to be the woman that you were called to be.

Jump! If you're learning to swim just jump in the water. Preferably if you have a life jacket or life guard within yelling distance. But jump. Overcome that fear and jump into that water. You'll get it...right? Wrong? If I jump in and don't know how to swim will I sink soundlessly to the bottom? Will I drown? Will nature kick in and I'll somehow figure out how not to drown silently or while kicking fiercely? Jump! And find out. But how about ensuring that there is some sort of safety apparatus in place first? Look around and observe if there is a life guard...jump with a trusted companion in the water waiting for you. Jump with a life vest on or be sure there's a life saver handy. In life we have to all JUMP eventually. Jump into that position that you know you can do but are fearful of the responsibilities...Jump into the relationship that you have been praying for and that has appeared. Jump into marriage..with the right person. Jump off the diving board and into the sparkling water when all you want to do is stay firmly planted on the ground. It's scary but it can be done. The safety of jumping is the preparation. You have prepared yourself for that job. You have prepared for this relationship. You have the tools necessary to move. Jumping takes action. It forces us to move. Otherwise we can stagnate and allow fear to rot us in one spot. Use the emotion as a catalyst to be in the space that you desire. Now, ready, set.....JUMP!

Sometimes when we say we love someone or that we're in love we are thinking of ourselves. We are enjoying just how well that person makes us feel and what they do for us. We talk about what they do for us to make us feel so good. We forget that love is not selfish. Love will require you to do things that you don't feel like doing. Love will not always be about what that person can do for you. It's about how YOU show it. It's an action and it causes you to be IN action. It's about doing things you may not feel like doing at the time. You may have to wake up early to pick up aspirin for your Love's aching head. Or you may have to do a load of laundry in the middle of the night when you'd rather be fast asleep. Love may require you to entertain when all you want to do is rest. Love is about giving and receiving; it's a healthy balance between the two. But if you're honest with yourself, how often are you giving? How often are your hands open to receive? It's not just about the material exchange. Love is about the emotional and physical exchange; the sacrificial exchange...We want our mates to give selflessly...their time, their feelings, their honesty, their affection, their love..and we want it in our time. But when our mates..our loves...need to receive the same time or affection or honesty or discipline we say..."that's just how I am" and so we aren't able to give back or reflect what we want. Love requires discipline. The discipline to give of yourself when you don't want to. And if you want to receive this type of holistic love from your mate it is imperative that you start by showing/doing it yourself.

This incredible journey called life has so many peaks and valleys..so many uncharted areas to explore...so many novel things to learn. There is just so much to experience. Often times when we are in a relationship we may have our own interests and our mate has theirs. That's ok because it allows each of you to continue to bring interesting ideas into your love bubble. But sometimes the interests and ideas are so opposite that it's difficult to meet in the middle and do things together. You enjoy going out on a weekly basis..he prefers chilling in his boxer shorts at home. You love going to museums and plays..he'd prefer mud wrestling and a good hip hop concert. Again, there's nothing wrong with that. It adds spice! But one thing that is really joyous is when you can explore new things with your mate. You may despise the rodeo with a vengeance but your mate adores it..hold his hand and enjoy the show together. Engaging in new things together creates such an incredible bond! When you know that you share in a new experience with your love...share in the joys of this life together with your love..you know that you are safe. It is safe to want to learn new things..to grow in different areas...to want to try things. You know that your mate has your back and is willing to do them with you and this cements your bond. It's so easy to do too and the change that is expected in life can occur organically..with both of you looking in the same direction.

You know that feeling that you get right before you get or accomplish what you've been dying for! It's like a rush! But there's also anxiety associated with that feeling. You may have just paid off you're debt and have accomplished the goal of being DEBT FREE but then what do you do? Purchase a new vehicle or buy a new home or charge that "fierce" new dress. You've met the man of your dreams and he is beautiful! Certainly something must be wrong. He opens the door for you and calls to check on you; he cares about your needs and thinks you have the prettiest feet imaginable. Of course he must be gay, right? So instead of embracing what you have wanted you start to imagine that he's lying about something or at any moment the other shoe will fall. What that does is create drama. Now you start to have an attitude because in your mind he's cheating. Or you start to take on your lead role in CSI and snoop through receipts, his phone..his email. Something must be up and you're going to find it! In the end, you create in your reality what you thought of in the recesses of your mind. You sabotage what you desire so much because in reality you may not feel that you deserve it. What we believe about ourselves, in our core, manifests in how we behave in our relationships or in how we go after what we want. If we really don't believe in ourselves we won't believe we deserve to be happy or to have all that our hearts desire. Remember the way you sabotage something can manifest in different ways...your thoughts, your actions, your behavior, your moods. Start with your internal clean up. Discard those negative and ugly beliefs you hold true about yourself. EMBRACE what is for you and what has been blessed upon you and know in your spirit that you deserve it.

Aren't we a narcissistic bunch? As people generally and as women specifically. We sometimes become so enamored with our own lives that we forget there is a world around us. We believe that we are in a soothing hookah smoked bubble where only our needs, pain, desires, unhappiness and childhood issues matter. We simply forget or we don't care. And we like to use that delightful phrase, "I've been so busy...." I have used it myself. "I'm sorry I didn't call, I've been so busy." "I'm sorry I couldn't make it, I've been so busy." And of course when we say that we really mean it because after all...we are so busy..with life. We all have work to do, issues to resolve, unhappiness to slay, poor habits to overcome. Some of us are full time students and parents and partners and maintain a 40 hour plus work week. And that is busy! But the fact of the matter is that when we want to do something we find a way or make a way to do it. My mother would always say, "people find time for what they want." At the time she said this to me I was trying to explain to her "just how busy my 20 something year old boyfriend with no job was" and why he couldn't call me more often. *sigh* I don't want to be so self absorbed. Even at my darkest moments when I feel hollow inside I need to, remember that it's not all about me. I can see past my tears. I can extend myself to someone who may need me. I can do it even if I don't want to and Even if I'm busy.

My love and I are no home makeover professionals. Neither of us are proficient in the art of painting walls or replacing faucets or toilet seats (yuck:-(). I would rather pay someone for their services to get my walls just the right color of honey mango tango or replace my floors with bamboo. He would rather just save the money. But somehow we have found ourselves painting our rooms and he even taught himself how to put up blinds and replace faucets and toilet seats (yuck :-(). Our work is not perfect but I would have it no other way. Whenever I look at our imperfect paint jobs I am reminded that we took the time to do it together and in doing so we bonded and created an emotional memory and attachment to something so mundane. By doing it together it becomes a part of our history. It is our own labor of love that we can look at with pride knowing that it's just a small indication that there's nothing we can't accomplish together.

imagine a relationship that is.
imagine two people that are.
imagine there is fluidity and compassion.
imagine trust is ever present and understood.
imagine that people are in sync.
imagine a partnership where needs are reflected and met without being spoken.
imagine being respected for who you are and not who you could be.
imagine being happy just in your space.
imagine being together and love is primary.
imagine having the mate that will always be.
now imagine that you don't have to imagine this because it is what you have.
we are living it.
we are.

We all want someone to crave us. We all want the experience of craving someone. In a relationship it is important that this fundamental need is met. I crave you. I cherish, respect, appreciate, value and am excited by you. I crave you. If these needs are not met the unraveling of the relationship may begin. We need to feel that our mates cherish who we are; that they respect our individuality and unique differences; that they value who we are and what we bring into the relationship and that they continue to get excited by us. What happens when we feel our needs are not met is that we seek their fulfillment elsewhere. And we likely will find it with that "friend" of the opposite sex, or the sensitive coworker or ex that always seems to have a listening ear. Let's begin the practice of craving (cherishing, respecting, appreciating, valuing and being excited by) our mate and letting them know just how much we crave them. It may provide the salve to a hurting relationship.

Interesting article from biomatch.com

Love is the affinity experienced between two people who are naturally able and willing to tune into one another's emotional, intellectual, and physical states - and respond to them in a nurturing and a stimulating way. Therefore love is a relationship. If Love is a relationship what is Lust? What is the difference between love and lust?Lust has two rather different meanings: an 'eagerness to possess' and a 'strong sexual desire'. The two meanings are often confused. We are not concerned with possession, which is a feature of oppression. Like you, we're far more interested in sexual desire!
Circumstantial lust - Circumstantial lust is the force that carries you through a one-night stand. It's based on a temporary detachment from the intellectual and emotional expressions of everyday life.This lust has more to do with self-gratification than genuine sexual desire. Its power wanes when life gets back to normal, or the affair becomes routine. And so do those so-called feelings of love that previously felt so strong.Circumstantial lust is common amongst those who are easily influenced by media images, and whose choices are limited by their commitments and positions in society.
Ultra-circumstantial lust - Extreme circumstances lead to ultra-circumstantial lust. The extreme circumstance (pain, fear, suffering) induces excessive hormonal activity which, in turn, creates a strong sexual desire.This type of sexual desire can be addictive. Arousal only becomes possible when linked with pain and suffering. The results can be seriously damaging to the innocents who get drawn in - as well as to the perpetrators who are locked in a spiral of repetitive degradation and increasing self-loathing.
Genuine lust - Genuine lust stems from sexual chemistry. It's the natural and inevitable result of physical attraction and physical compatibility - the two essential ingredients of sexual chemistry. Sexual chemistry is a powerful force. It can induce strong sexual desire towards people who don't have filmstar looks and social or economic status. And it does so without the need for props, toys, or games.The lust that's born of physical compatibility is the only type of lust that goes with a loving relationship. A couple who combine physical chemistry with emotional and intellectual compatibility, and who act in objective and benevolent ways can create a profoundly contented and life-enhancing experience. That experience is commonly known as love.Love and lust are not interchangeable, although they naturally co-exist in a sexual love relationship. In many non-sexual relationships, love does perfectly well on its own without sexual desire.But what about the converse example? Can genuine lust exist in a sexual association that is not a loving relationship? Yes it can - although there are many people who would challenge that view.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.Robert Frost

It goes on. Life that is. Even in the darkest moments when everything seems to be going wrong life is in motion. Flowers are still blooming, grass is growing, babies are being born, and decisions are being made. When the pain of one experience is ending the soothing truth is that your life will continue.

I read this from another blog today. I thought it was a fitting quote...

"...opposites may click, but similarities often stick. Opposites might attract, but maybe the old saying “two people who are in love don’t look at each other, they look in the same direction. "

I like to fit with my mate...