A few weeks ago we went to church. It's not a regular ritual but sometimes the spirit moves and I'm inclined to go where I'm led. On this particular day the speaker was speaking about fears. He asked each of us to place in a basket what our deepest fear was. I knew almost immediately what mine was....
The idea of living in fear on a daily basis.
Fear,for me, has been a constant. As a child my father would laugh and say I was scared of my own shadow. As a wife, my hubby often remarks that I'm the "scariest", meaning most fearful of everything, person that he knows. We laugh about it but the truth to that statement is eye opening.
My fear runs the gamut from lizards, although I grew up on an island, to death. I live in fear that my marriage could end. My children could die. I could lose my job. I could lose my house. I could lose my health. I could lose me. The slightest provocation that hints to one of my fears can send me into an anxiety driven emotional roller coaster.
It's hard to live like this. I know this. I work on the things that scare me on a daily basis...being confrontational and direct...learning to drive a stick shift...jumping into 7 feet of water although I can't swim...knowing that my husband truly loves me and isn't going anywhere...believing that if I were to die my children would be ok...believing that everything that is for me I either have or will have.
But the one thing I want most is to live life fear free. I want to lose myself in the reality that life is not a scary place. Yes, things happen...bad things happen to good people...etc. but they have not happened to me. My perpetual state of "what if" doesn't allow me truly enjoy the little and big moments of life.
What if I truly lived this one life free from the things that haunt me? What if allowed life to show me its beauty? What if I allowed my happy moments to be...knowing that happiness is compromised of moments...one experience to the next. What if I trusted the now? What if I believed that the past is over and I have nothing to fear from it. The present is perfect and serene and the future will be just that....what is to come.
And the big bad monster that hides behind my emotional doors doesn't have to exist. My joy, my happiness, my peace and bliss can dispel that monster. I know this....now I have to live it...
The idea of living in fear on a daily basis.
Fear,for me, has been a constant. As a child my father would laugh and say I was scared of my own shadow. As a wife, my hubby often remarks that I'm the "scariest", meaning most fearful of everything, person that he knows. We laugh about it but the truth to that statement is eye opening.
My fear runs the gamut from lizards, although I grew up on an island, to death. I live in fear that my marriage could end. My children could die. I could lose my job. I could lose my house. I could lose my health. I could lose me. The slightest provocation that hints to one of my fears can send me into an anxiety driven emotional roller coaster.
It's hard to live like this. I know this. I work on the things that scare me on a daily basis...being confrontational and direct...learning to drive a stick shift...jumping into 7 feet of water although I can't swim...knowing that my husband truly loves me and isn't going anywhere...believing that if I were to die my children would be ok...believing that everything that is for me I either have or will have.
But the one thing I want most is to live life fear free. I want to lose myself in the reality that life is not a scary place. Yes, things happen...bad things happen to good people...etc. but they have not happened to me. My perpetual state of "what if" doesn't allow me truly enjoy the little and big moments of life.
What if I truly lived this one life free from the things that haunt me? What if allowed life to show me its beauty? What if I allowed my happy moments to be...knowing that happiness is compromised of moments...one experience to the next. What if I trusted the now? What if I believed that the past is over and I have nothing to fear from it. The present is perfect and serene and the future will be just that....what is to come.
And the big bad monster that hides behind my emotional doors doesn't have to exist. My joy, my happiness, my peace and bliss can dispel that monster. I know this....now I have to live it...
