My older sister, Sharon, got married on our tiny but perfect island, St.Croix, on July 3, 2011. This was one of the most special, God centered, and perfect weddings I have ever attended. She and her husband, Matt, were married on a beach. There were intermittent showers all day and we all prayed she'd have sunshine during her ceremony. As it would be, in the middle of the ceremony, the showers came and continued. We all remained rooted in our positions and her ceremony continued without so much of a blink of an eye. She was serene and her husband was also cool and collected. It was just so perfect. We were all drenched, her wedding dress was stuck to her skin and her wavy hairstyle was limp from the rain....and she couldn't look more beautiful than at that moment. Despite the rain and a few other mishaps her wedding was a reflection of her relationship with her husband. They were sure to include how much God meant to them and their relationship and how much they meant to each other. The wedding was almost a reflection of what marriage is...there will be unexpected moments that could possibly cause stress and irritation but it's HOW you handle those moments that will make the difference.

I'm so happy for them and I pray they have a long, happy and blissful marriage.

Congrats Matthew and Sharon!

Waffles for dinner.
Singing along to Jill Scott together.
Feeling +1 move around and marvel always at this life.
Sacrifices.
Sleep overs that include pillow fights and talks deep into the wee hours of the morning.
Annoyances.
Silly jokes noone else gets.
Having your ace all the time.
Not wondering what he's thinking or if he'll call.
Feeling special.
Sometimes rolling eyes.
Talking about your children with pride and irritation...but knowing their yours.
Listening to the same stories over again with the same enthusiasm.
Favorite snacks to cheer you up.
Not being afraid to cry.
Being vulnerable.
Developing new interests.
Looking forward to each month that marks another anniversary.
My committment to my husband to continue to work on me and bring the best me to our relationship even when I don't feel like it.

What is the glue that holds a marriage together? Some say it's love, shared interests and values, respect and trust.....and sex. Good old fashioned pull my hair..get the sheets wet...back breaking and heart pounding sex. S.E.X. Is it enough? Do we put too much emphasis on this area or not enough?

Through personal conversations I've had over the years I've heard men comment that once the marriage occurs the loving stops. No more afternoon getaways or midnight rendezvous...men complain that women are too tired or lose their interest and this causes them to lose interest in the marriage. Women, on the other hand, tend to comment that their needs change. They aren't able to participate as fully in their sexual lives because of children and work and keeping the house clean and the lack of affection displayed by their husbands. Their seems to be a division on the importance of keeping up physical intimacy in marriage.

I think sexual connection is a vital part of marriage. I don't believe it's the one and only thing that holds a marriage together but I do believe it plays a significant role. All the aspects of sexual intimacy must be cultivated by husband and wife.  As wives, we need to let our husbands know what we need to maintain that physical longing for them; and we should create an environment where our husbands are comfortable enough to share what their needs are without fear of judgement. It's important that we take each other's needs into consideration and place value on these needs in order to have them met.

Marriage is forever. It is up to us to help make our forever magical. This will happen with ongoing communication, continued trust and respect for each other, spiritual connectivity and....sexual intimacy. So is sex over rated or under rated in a marriage?

It's up to each spouse to find a wonderful balance with each other to make sex a joyful part of their union.

If my husband is my reflection and my chosen mate by God then the Creator has vision that I didn't or don't have.

My husband is patient and seldom gets annoyed or irritated while my ongoing daily phrase is....someone is annoying me.

My husband is confident and strong while at times I feel weak and afraid.

My husband is direct about his feelings and thoughts while I tend to speak in tongues and beat around the bush until you "kinda figure out" what I'm talking about.

My husband is forgiving. While I've often thought of myself as a forgiving person I tend to hold grudges against people that I've felt hurt me the most in life.

My husband cares deeply about everyone and sees the goodness in people. {Reference the above comment where I speak daily about being annoyed by someone.}

My husband will deal with a problem head on and with swiftness while I attempt to sweep things under the rug until I trip.

Because I know this man is my reflection I know that I know that I am all of the positive traits and qualities I see in him. Maybe I don't always feel this way but the primary reason he CHOSE me was because I reflected him in the perfect and divine way.

It's wonderful to be married to someone who you look up to and respect because it allows you to constantly strive to be the best person. It is a daily reminder to shape and mold your character in the likeness of God because you see the god in your spouse.

I'm grateful that God saw what I didn't and allowed me to be in a marriage where I will continue to grow and be groomed; to be my husband's reflection as he is mine and ultimately  reflect the Creator's love.

In no way am I the video vixen, Superhead. And by no means do I have what it takes to be on a XXX porn star but when you have a wonderful man in your life you may need to get out your red pumps, fishnets and alter ego...Hot Coffee!

I realize that the proper care and feeding of my husband comes in many forms. It's important for me to listen and communicate with him. It's necessary to rub his back and keep our home clean. He loves when I make his favorite dishes and attempt new ones; and we wouldn't have a marriage if I didn't respect him and trust him. But it's also important for me to care for him.....make sure he is well fed and nurtured sexually. Of course this is taboo for me to be writing about so brazenly on this blog but I think it's important. After all, you get married with the intention to spend the rest of your life with this person, right? So why not make and keep it interesting!

The men we marry and love should want for nothing sexually. I don't condone doing things that go against your moral principles and values but  I do suggest breaking out of your comfort zone and keeping a smile on his face. He may enjoy looking at you as you undress after a long day of work...allow him that pleasure. Or he may fantasize about you with nothing but those black panties and a fresh pedicure....give him that fantasy. 

Keep him seduced and longing. Let him know that you want him not because "you should" and "it's expected of you" but because you desire him. Take a class on fellatio if you're no good at it. Discover what kind of lingerie he likes and invest in it. Read a book on Kama Sutra or Tantric Sex and discover new ways of making love together.

I want my husband to feel just how safe and secure he makes me feel and one way I can do this is by making sure he feels safe and secure sexually. He doesn't have to beg; he shouldn't have to wait until "I feel like it." It shouldn't be a monthly chore just to get him off of my back. After all, I don't have to wait for him to tell me I'm pretty; I don't have to hope he'll help me with my son or around the home. I don't have to hope he'll provide, protect and be faithful to me.  He does all of these things because he wants me to know that he loves me.

And I keep it sexy because I love him.

This is my second marriage. The first one lasted for a tumultuous 4 years; 2 of which we actually lived together. He fathered my son, my wonderful 11 year old that I would give my heart to if he needed it. There was so much in that marriage that taught me. I loved hard and I learned hard and today I don't speak to him.


So in getting married for another time I became afraid. Although I've loved my husband for as far back as I've known him I was scared. I was terrified of the "what ifs". My what ifs were actual experiences for me. I knew what it felt like for a husband to leave. For him to declare he didn't want "to do this anymore." I knew the sound of a door closing for the last time. Those were real life experiences; not anxiety soaked fears.


I'm still a newlywed but in the following days of my nuptials I felt fear that this bad thing called divorce could happen again. I was struck by the fact that it.could.happen.again. And then what would I do? I let my fears hold me hostage for a few days and for no reason.


What I learned from my first marriage was that marriage actually takes work. Marriage actually takes forethought; it requires preparation. It isn't a dress rehearsal for someone you're having a good time with but you couldn't imagine having children with. It's being with someone and wishing you could bear their child, even if it meant 36 long hours of labor and stretch marks to your knees. It is forever. It demands that you trust each other.


Marriage makes you admit YOUR faults and shortcomings. It changes you. It requires that you actually like..not just love...your spouse. It is a decision. It is a choice. The kind of marriage you have is a daily choice. You are responsible for what your marriage looks like; how it grows; whether it flourishes and if it will die.

I also learned that marriage is actually fun. There should be private jokes between the two of you; times when you laugh so hard you almost pee on yourself. It's finding the silliness in each other and giggling at times when you shouldn't. It's having your best friend around all of the time with the perks of having sex with them! It's exploring and growing and learning....together.

I learned that. I had to remind myself that I learned these valuable lessons in my first marriage to help me understand what a marriage is and what I needed to do to achieve success. Throughout the past few weeks of being a Mrs my anxiety has subsided. Slowly but surely it is falling to the wayside. I realize that I have all the power in me to grow old with my Mr.

So on the topic of remarriage....use the lessons you learned. Forgive your spouse even though it is difficult. Let go of your painful memories. Grow into your new memories and embrace them. Be thankful for those experiences that helped you to become the spouse you are today. I have, and for this I am so grateful....

Please be patient with me as my posts may center around marriage and love. As a newyled this is such an exciting time in my life and my inspiration to write tends to come from this new experience. So in the spirit of marital bliss here goes....

This morning as my husband made breakfast I said a silent prayer to God thanking Him for this man. My husband and I met when he was 18 years old and I was 20. I knew when I met him that he would be my husband. Through the years of our friendship at times it didn't seem this would ever happen. Fast forward 17 years later and we got married after numerous experiences and a lot of growth for both of us.

My husband is a rare gem. He's one of the most patient people that I know. He's centered and balanced and tries his best to look at things from a positive point of view. He believes in healing relationships. He is amazing with children. He is fun to be around and will do anything for the people that he loves. He is a sensitive man. He is secure. He believes in self growth. He is committed to his committments. He is committed to me and the success of our marriage. I couldn't be more blessed to be his wife.

I truly believe that our thoughts are the catalyst for our reality. What we think, we become and what is real in our heads will manifest in our lives. As a newlywed I am learning the importance of caring for my thoughts and being mindful of the affect it can have on my marriage. I realized if I stopped in the moment of my thought, especially if it were a negative one, and asked myself the following questions then I could avert some funky situations. Here are the questions I ask myself:

What is my spouse’s intention?

Is this a worse case scenario thought?

What are some other possibilities?

If you were in this position how would you handle it?

Does this need to be discussed? Does a boundary need to be established?

What is your intention?

Will you React in Fear or Respond in Love?

And then I remind myself that the journey is not in the destination but in all of the beautiful meandering paths it takes to get there. Enjoy it…..

So since my last post I've gotten married! My husband proposed to me on 10-10-10 in the most unusual and wonderful way and we tied the knot on 11-20-10! In planning our wedding we realized that we wanted to be married more than we wanted a wedding so we did our own unique version of eloping! With our children and a few family members and friends we went to a local park and said our vows. It was perfect and I've been blessed with the gift of an amazing husband!

I've been learning so much since getting married. I'm learning about myself in ways I couldn't have imagined. I'm learning about patience and kindness. I'm learning about selflessness and selfishness. I'm learning about committment. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with it all; the magnitude of the committement that we made. But there's noone else I would rather go on this journey with. He is my mirror in almost every way and I imagine my reflection will only continue to get better as time goes on......

Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans. ~Peter F. Drucker

I ran across this quote this morning while doing my daily research. It struck me. It made me think, is this why women, me in particular, are so desirous of marriage? ...only promises and hopes, but no plans....I don't want an endless supply of promises and a fountain of hope. I want the plan. I want the action that is implied in the commitment of marriage. We are together taking action, being in motion, to uphold our promises and hopes to each other. We are making plans for the future. Of course we hope and pray that they work out but we have a commitment that we will stay together to work it out. That is what a good/healthy marriage is to me. It is that commitment to the commitment. It is the commitment that you don't have to wonder what happens next. Will he honor his promise or will he honor his commitment?

From one of my favorite websites www.smartmarriages.com:

Diane Sollee
Love Lessons from the Smart Marriages® ConferenceDiane Sollee
We know communication is important, but just how do we do it? The Daily Temperature Reading, created by Virginia Satir, is a step-by-step guide to getting it right. Practice for a month and soon the behaviors will become habits. Do them all - even if at first they seem artificial or corny. These simple but crucial skills can make the difference between misery and happiness.

Appreciations: Share five things you appreciate about each other. These can range from the simple "I like your smile" to the sublime "I like it that you were able to kiss and make up after I forgot to pick you up last night." Appreciations build up credit in the love bank. It can be a nice surprise to realize just how much our partners notice and appreciate.

Wishes, Hopes, and Dreams: Describe three things you hope for in the long run ("I hope to complete a marathon by the time I'm 40") and in the short run ("This week-end I'd like to spend a half-hour alone with my dad when he visits.") A partner who understands your dreams is able to help them happen. Remember that hopes change as we go along and it's important to keep each other current.

New Information: We often forget to update our partner about a change in plans or circumstances. We tell people at work or a family member and think we've told our spouse. Make the daily updates a ritual. Information like "The dentist said Bobby won't need braces after all" or "I'll have to be in San Francisco an extra day" is crucial to staying in-synch and feeling connected.

Puzzles: Clear-up big or little mysteries before they become suspicions, jealousy, false assumptions, or resentments. Most "puzzles" have simple explanations. "You promised you'd water the tomatoes before you left this morning. What happened?" "The water was turned off. Was it back on when you got up?" You have to ask.

Complaints with Request for Change: Get in the habit of saying what you want rather than what you don't want. Describe a specific behavior that bothers you and explain how you'd like it done. Instead of "I get furious when you call and don't leave a message," say, "Honey, when you call and get the machine, please don't say 'It's me' and hang up. Say why you're calling, and when you'll call back, or be home, or whatever it was you were calling to tell me." If you forget to say why you were calling. Call back. Even if it's long distance. It's an inexpensive investment in your marriage. Cheaper than a dozen roses.

copyright, CMFCE, smartmarriages.com

Sometimes I get on my "checking people out" craze where I stare at the left hand of men and women to see if they are wearing a wedding ring. I do this because I'm slightly obsessed with marriage..the idea of marriage...and the forever inquiry into the status of one's marriage. I immediately start to wonder if they're happy and/or how long they've been married. Are they cheating? What made them decide to take the plunge? Then I look at the size of the diamonds on women's rings and my mind goes into a tailspin. Does the size of the diamond reflect how much love is in the relationship? 1 carat = i kinda love you. i do.....2 carats = i love you a lot. 3 carats and more = i am sooooo in love with you..? is that accurate? so if you don't have diamonds does it mean you're not that into the relationship..or not that ready for marriage? if you had a choice would you choose a larger diamond and fair marriage or smaller diamond and larger than life marriage or do you have to choose? The size of the diamond isn't going to reflect the committment in the relationship, the communication that is developed, the loyalty or the friendship. If we believe that a larger ring will measure the success of the relationship then you've already started out with surface expectations. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't have a large diamond..if that's what you want and what your mate can afford. But do understand that if you and your mate work as hard or more on developing the skills to make a successful marriage as you do on acquiring the "bling bling" you won't have to choose between the two.....

Marriage. The end all and be all of commitment. The ultimate expression of commitment. Till death do us part..I vow..never to be attracted to another. Right? Once we get married our attraction and desire towards anyone else is ultimately killed, right? Really? This belief system may lead to a marriage that is not rooted in realistic expectations. Our commitment to our committment will prayerfully be the reason Fidelity is maintained. But we have to know that whether in a long term committed relationship/marriage you will always find attraction on some level to other people. It's human nature to find others attractive either on a physical/sexual/spiritual/ intellectual level. It's what you do with that attraction. As with anything else, do you feed it or starve it? Feed it by maintaining a friendship with someone you have an innate attraction to? Or starve it by creating boundaries and not putting yourself in a situation that will prove unhealthy to your relationship. It may be uncomfortable but it's important to have discussions about this with your spouse. Talk about your expectations or beliefs about what attraction is or how it looks when you're in a relationship. Discuss what kind of boundaries are needed and expected. Find out if you and your spouse have similar beliefs when it comes to this area in your relationship. Understand that marriage is going to be a life long process and learning experience but it will not be the cure to our human selves. Practicing the muscle of discipline and character development will be that salve....

Jump! If you're learning to swim just jump in the water. Preferably if you have a life jacket or life guard within yelling distance. But jump. Overcome that fear and jump into that water. You'll get it...right? Wrong? If I jump in and don't know how to swim will I sink soundlessly to the bottom? Will I drown? Will nature kick in and I'll somehow figure out how not to drown silently or while kicking fiercely? Jump! And find out. But how about ensuring that there is some sort of safety apparatus in place first? Look around and observe if there is a life guard...jump with a trusted companion in the water waiting for you. Jump with a life vest on or be sure there's a life saver handy. In life we have to all JUMP eventually. Jump into that position that you know you can do but are fearful of the responsibilities...Jump into the relationship that you have been praying for and that has appeared. Jump into marriage..with the right person. Jump off the diving board and into the sparkling water when all you want to do is stay firmly planted on the ground. It's scary but it can be done. The safety of jumping is the preparation. You have prepared yourself for that job. You have prepared for this relationship. You have the tools necessary to move. Jumping takes action. It forces us to move. Otherwise we can stagnate and allow fear to rot us in one spot. Use the emotion as a catalyst to be in the space that you desire. Now, ready, set.....JUMP!

I absolutely love the marriage builders website by Dr.Haley. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html
I think it offers great insight and suggestions for those who are interested in successful relationships. I read this article again this evening; it's a really long article so I just copied a few points...

Basic Concept #1: The Love Bank
Within each of us is a Love Bank that keeps track of the way each person treats us. Everyone we know has an account and the things they do either deposit or withdraw love units from their accounts. It's your emotions' way of encouraging you to be with those who make you happy. When you associate someone with good feelings, deposits are made into that person's account in your Love Bank. And when the Love Bank reaches a certain level of deposits (the romantic love threshold), the feeling of love is triggered. As long as your Love Bank balance remains above that threshold, you will experience the feeling of love. But when it falls below that threshold, you will lose that feeling. You will like anyone with a balance above zero, but you will only be in love with someone whose balance is above the love threshold.
However, your emotions do not simply encourage you to be with those who make you happy -- they also discourage you from being with those who make you unhappy. Whenever you associate someone with bad feelings, withdrawals are made in your Love Bank. And if you withdraw more than you deposit, your Love Bank balance can fall below zero. When that happens the Love Bank turns into the Hate Bank. You will dislike those with moderate negative balances, but if the balance falls below the hate threshold, you will hate the person.
Try living with a spouse you hate! Your emotions are doing everything they can to get you out of there -- and divorce is one of the most logical ways to escape.
Basic Concept #3: The Most Important Emotional Needs
How can you deposit love units into each other's Love Banks the fastest? That's a question I asked literally hundreds of couples when I was first learning how to save marriages. Eventually their answer became clear to me -- you must meet each other's most important emotional needs.
You and your spouse fell in love with each other because you made each other very happy, and you made each other happy because you met some of each other's important emotional needs. The only way you and your spouse will stay in love is to keep meeting those needs. Even when the feeling of love begins to fade, or when it's gone entirely, it's not necessarily gone for good. It can be recovered whenever you both go back to making large Love Bank deposits.
First, be sure you know what each other's most important emotional needs are (complete the Emotional Needs Questionnaire). Then, learn to meet the needs that are rated the highest in a way that is fulfilling to your spouse, and enjoyable for you, too.
It's likely that you and your spouse do not prioritize your needs in the same order of importance. A highly important need for you may not be as important to your spouse. So you may find yourself trying to meet needs that seem unimportant to you. But your spouse depends on you to meet those needs, and it's the most effective and efficient way for you make large Love Bank deposits.
Basic Concept #4: The Policy of Undivided Attention
Unless you and your spouse schedule time each week for undivided attention, it will be impossible to meet each other's most important emotional needs. So to help you and your spouse clear space in your schedule for each other, I have written the Policy of Undivided Attention: Give your spouse your undivided attention a minimum of fifteen hours each week, using the time to meet the emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. This policy will help you avoid one of the most common mistakes in marriage -- neglecting each other.
This Basic Concept not only helps guarantee that you will meet each other's emotional needs, but it also unlocks the door to the use of all the other basic concepts. Without time for undivided attention you will not be able to avoid Love Busters and you will not be able to negotiate effectively. Time for undivided attention is the necessary ingredient for everything that's important in marriage.
How can couples work their way back to the state of Intimacy once they find themselves trapped in the state of Withdrawal? And once they are back, how can they stay there? The answers to those questions are found in the next Basic Concept.