There are so many things about this little person that I absolutely adore.

• His face. It's all kinds of mischievous.
• His laugh. It's infectious and fills me up..completely.
• His energy. He runs at high speed 100% of the time.
• "Bird"..one of the few words he says..he points outside..bird..i love it!
• His little bow legs. I stare at him running around and I'm smitten with those thick bow legs.
• His cute little butt! Lol. Who can't resist a baby's boodie!
• The way he says "huh" when you call his name.
• His insistence at closing all doors that are open.
• The way he falls out when he can't get his way. I know this shouldn't be funny to me and I don't laugh in his face...but it tickles me.
• The way his face lights up when he sees his brothers.
• Those arms around me when he's finished his bottle and is falling asleep.
• His breath...the sound of him breathing...the gift of his life.

I love my 17 month old. I'm tired most days from waking at night and feeling hung over. There's no "sleeping in"....a quickie has taken a whole new meaning (i.e...nap)...my hand bag at any given moment has one shoe, one diaper (may be clean or dirty), a toy, a book and one sock but I wouldn't change this for the world...

till the next time,

egypt

If I could…I would have told my 29 year old self that him leaving is going to be the best thing that ever happened. I would have told her to keep her head up; be grateful for the experience and move on with that little 3 year old.

I would have said, “you are so strong…don’t you see that?”…”you are so pretty..don’t you see that?”….”you are so enough….there’s nothing to prove…” I would have taken her into a deep embrace and whispered these things in her ear..almost like a lover would.

I would have said beware of the times when loneliness feels alive but it’s really not. It’s a reminder that you are growing and stretching and waiting for the “divinely appointed him” to appear.

I would have warned her about false pride…reminding her that her self worth wasn’t measured by the size of her ass…the thickness of her legs…the sexual prowess….it was measured through her character..the loveliness that had always made her a lady.

If I could talk to this “29 year old me” we would have had a real girlfriend talk. It would have been a no holds…you “bout to get cussed out”….your feelings may be hurt…”I’m just keeping it real”..kinda conversation. Because I would have had to let her know areas where she was “tripping” and remind her just how magnificent the future would be…if only she would put one foot in front of the other…and start walking.


So I say to my 39 year old self…don’t wait until you’re 49 to reflect on what you could have said. Say it now. I am everything that I have always desired to be. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I am strong enough. Pretty enough. Happy enough. …everything “enough” and then some.

I have growing to do. I have mistakes that have yet to be made but my eyes are open…my spirit is free. I am comfortable in my skin. There is nothing like the present. It should be passionate…this present moment that I’m in...and oh, it is!

My past is my greatest teacher and my future is an exciting unknown gift waiting to be opened….

till the next time,

egypt

There. Meaning accomplishing my health and fitness goals. I feel very good about my progress so far. It feels good because I have a "bit" more energy. I'm still up nightly with my greedy 17 month old son but I don't feel as fatigued. I also feel like I'm becoming more alert mentally...like a fog is lifting. I suppose God gave us all of the goodness of this earth..all of the green veggies and fruit and legumes...so that we could live full and rich lives.

I've always been a slacker with my diet..even as a child. I resisted most things good for me! Approaching my 40th has really allowed me to take stock of where I am physically and really push myself to make lifestyle changes; and it's happening!

In the meantime I am getting so excited about planning my own 40th birthday "pawty" in June! Whoop whoop! It's going to be fun!

till the next time..

Egypt

I get attitudes with him because at times I don’t think I deserve him. When you’ve spent the majority of your adult life questioning your self worth, it takes a while to get used to being treated well. I’ve spent more time than I care to admit holding my breath..waiting for the other shoe to fall…knowing "ish" is going to hit the fan. I haven’t fully accepted…although at times I do…the fact that this is good. I question things that don’t need to be questioned. I look through items expecting….what? My worst nightmare…..


But in this moment I understand how self destructive that is; how much I am sabotaging my happiness…the health of my marriage with my self doubt. I had a man tell me once..all mean cheat..no man wants to be with one woman. That same man..walked in the house one day and declared…”I want to start dating other people”…1 year into our marriage.

So I know where part of my anxiety comes from but I have to challenge that false truth that my ex husband told me. I have to continue to fight the demon of self doubt and fear. I have to fully surrender and trust that “this is good”..because it is.

I have to remember that God has not given me a spirit of fear..but of love and power. I continue to pray for my individual growth as God continues to speak to me and show me just how much He has in store for me. It isn’t too late to start appreciating his blessings….

till the next time..
Egypt

Every morning that we are blessed to wake up is an opportunity to hit that "restart" button. Yesterday's business is for yesterday....each day offers the opportunity for something new...fresh. Even if you think that yesterday's issues will affect today..change the perspective. Whatever it is...allow it today to be something different... The bills may still be there...the relationship ending may not be gone...death will still be final. But awake with the ability to say..today I start new...I approach all of my issues with a fresh pair of eyes. Sometimes things may be so overwhelming that it seems impossible to imagine just how to "restart"...that's the beauty of God. That is where the magic happens. For truly, all things through Him are possible...Not some...ALL things...when things are too overwhelming we give them away to God to heal..to make new..He makes all things new. What a blessing.

till the next time...

egypt

I think my teenagers are sloths...for real. According to Wikipedia..Sloths move only when necessary and even then very slowly..sleeping from 15 to 18 hours each day...Yep, I think these two teenage boys living in my home are sloths. I'm going to get them checked at their next physical.

I swear I have never met two more slow moving kids. One takes his time to get dressed; he's up over two hours before he has to leave for school...to look at himself repeatedly..and yet he forgets his lunch and is literally running out of the door at the last minute each day. The other one gets up 30 minutes before he has to be on the bus and takes his time with every.single.thing....and then casually strolls downstairs in order to find something to eat at 7:59 when he has to be on the bus at 8 am.

I don't know how my mother did it..and I was her kid that gave her the teenage "tude"..the angst ridden frowns and brooding that would last for days. I think that God creates teenagers as a payback for the "sins of your youth"...in other words..the stuff you put your own parents through.

Of course I love my children. I love seeing them smile..love hearing them laugh...the sound of "Ma..or Mama" gets me each time...but I swear I'm learning patience, tolerance and how to pray when dealing with the absent mindness that accompanies adolescence...the ability to play a video game or watch tv for 12 hours straight...and then stare at you blankly when they're reminded of chores.

I'm calling my mother right now....I owe her dinner..at the very least...

till the next time...



"doing what teenagers do..hang out"

 Egypt

Random.

• Stop eating Little Debbie Zebra Cakes at 11 pm.
• Stop eating a box of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes in less than 24 hours.
• Stop eating Little Debbie Zebra Cakes for breakfast with my green smoothie..(that's rachet)
• Stop using the word ratchet..as I don't really understand what it means.
• Stop using the word moron so often.."tool" has a much better ring to it.
• Stop having an attitude with my husband because of foolishness. Really. Just stop.
• Stop allowing foolishness to get on my nerves. It's a job it's supposed to annoy me. They're kids they're supposed to irritate the brown from my skin.
• Stop pestering my 16 y/o about how much cologne he wears. Yes, it's obnoxious..but he likes it.
• Start walking. Not from the bed to the box of little debbie zebra cakes and back to the bed.
• Start walking around a trail...or a track..or the neighborhood..or at least to publix to get little debbie zebra cakes.
• Get Plus 1 out of our marital bed. Um..yea..nuff said.
• Stop spending an obscene amount of time on pinterest pinning cheese recipes..if I'm trying to adopt a more vegan lifestyle.
• Press "play" in the DVD..it's the little button that lights up when you press it...Press play and start working out.
• Start drinking more water with vodka cucumbers in it. It's really good.
• Stop playing "My God is Awesome" and singing real loud.......and then
• Rapping to ..."An Effing Problem" by A$AP Rocky...
• Stop knowing who the above song is by and how to spell his name correctly...LOL
• Stop eating little debbie zebra cakes at 11:53 pm at night...it's outta control now...just stop...

till the next time
Egypt