Maybe I can't write because I'm full. My mind races. I'm in a space of excitement and happiness. I'm God's manifestation. And I am then allowed to manifest the beauty of the Creator. I am aware of how real God is. Just really Real how God is. I am blessed and highly favored. My life changes instantly in one moment. One test. 3 minutes. Positive Sign. Another test....3 minutes...Positive. Shock. And just like that our lives change and I am reminded how blessed I am and how awesome God is. So right now I have a little lentil seed in me that is a manifestation of the love and commitment my husband and I have for each other. And we wait patiently and with prayer for our blessing in 8 mos....

Sponge bob Square pants and his insane sidekick, Patrick, have been a regular cartoon show in my home for about six or seven years. Yums doesn't watch it as much now but when he was younger we'd both sit in front of the TV and giggle at Spongebob's antics. One episode in particular stood out for me. Sponge bob, as usual, had gotten into mischief and unintentionally destroyed Bikini Bottom. The town thought that a maniac was on the loose and immediately began an all out hunt for this maniac. Patrick, who was an eyewitness to the maniac, was asked to recall how this person looked to a sketch artist. Well of course when he described the person it was Sponge bob and quite naturally no one in the town could tell that the square image could only be Sponge bob! Eventually Patrick and Sponge bob went on the hunt for the maniac and in the most ridiculous manner eventually figured out who it was!

Ridiculous. Absolutely, I know. But what I took from this episode was how wonderful the word maniac was and also how insanely great it is to at times act like a maniac. 

Living life like a maniac for me means living life with relish, with gusto, with passion! It means going after your dream and not stopping until you have it in your hands. Being a maniac means taking risks; having an adventurous spirit. Not fully knowing where the next experience is coming from but waiting with open arms for it. A maniac isn't afraid to live and take chances. Now of course I don't mean acting on impulses that are dangerous, morally degrading or life threatening. I do mean acting on the passion in life that says even when you can't see your way....there is one.

Sometimes we have to stop and remember to live. Not just exist. But really live.....

Frankly I'm hoping someone slipped me a mickey.

• Confusion? Check.
• Delirium? Check.
• Indifference about everything? Check.
• Loss of time? Check.
• Famished appetite? Check.
• Paranoia? Check.
• Moodiness? Check.
• Mental Instability? Check.
• Irritability? Check.
• Complete disregard for the doctor's recommendation to eat healthy, drink water and exercise to reduce symptoms? CHECK!
• Salty/Sweet Popcorn for breakfast? Check.
• Red velvet cupcakes for lunch? Check.
• Copious amounts of wine for dinner? Check.
• No/Some/High Libido? Check.

Clothes that don't fit....? Hmmm. That throws a monkey in the whole "mickey in my coffee" thing.

My husband calls it...countdown to the period. He stands alert, like a decorated soldier, ready for anything that may come his way. A request for cheese fries daily? Body temperature like a menopausal women in the dead of winter? Tearfulness over a car commercial? Disagreements about the price of tea in china? Yes, he's ready for it all. He deserves a medal for his bravery!

In the meantime I'm thinking it was the Starbucks guy that may have slipped me that mickey in my tall soy caramel macchiato....

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The act of being a parent in many ways mirrors the act of being a spouse. Even the act of conceiving a child and having that child develop within a sacred womb for nine months can resemble the process of becoming a spouse. In conception there is connection...sperm meets egg...connects..and there is life. When you met your spouse there was an undeniable connection that created the beginning of what is now your marital journey. Once life has begun there is the safe cocoon period where the fetus is developing and growing until it is born. When my husband and I started down our journey we had our period where we were nestled in one another. We were one against everything else; we were blossoming; we were growing; we were bonding until it came time for the birthing process of marriage to take place. And when it happened it was similar to child birth for me because there was a lot of tearing and letting go and deep breathing and faith.When I gave birth to my son it hurt...but that hurt led to indescribable joy. I had to let go of being single and care free when I became a mother; I didn't know what I was doing and had to trust and have faith that my son would be born healthy and whole. I had to give up a lot to give birth to him. But I wouldn't change it for the world.

And that's what marriage is to me. I. Would. Not. Change. It. For.The. World.  I am devoted to my son. When the world doesn't believe in him; I will. He knows that there is nothing that I wouldn't do for him and he knows that I will never give up on him. Ever. My son is my "forever ever? forever ever?" Yes, forever and I couldn't be happier because of that. So my husband has my heart the same way. I will not give up on him because it's hard. I won't give up on us because it's not fun anymore. I'll keep trying even when I don't feel like it. I'll give him my best even when I don't want to because our growth as a married couple lies in me. If I do my part he can't help but do his. It wasn't always fun when my son was a baby and I was tired. I didn't always feel like getting up to care for his needs but I did. And I did it without thinking. And I continue to love my son and give him my best...even when I don't feel like it...because my relationship with him is not based on my feeling at the moment. It doesn't change on a whim. It is steady....regardless of what's going on.

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I give my husband that exact commitment.

So this is why I view marriage in the same vein that I view parenting. I won't give up on either commitment regardless of how I feel.

The Monday morning blues....The start of the week tends to be the hardest. There are five days ahead of you where the majority of your day is devoted to someone else. All the while that you're working your mind races, thinking of all the other things that still need to get accomplished...the doctor appointments, grocery lists, dinner, boxing practice, chores, bills,  track meetings, parent/teacher conferences...you wonder how in the world you'll manage to get everything accomplished. But somehow you do. And at the end of the ripping and running you are mentally exhausted. You have given everything with little to nothing left for yourself. At the start of this week think of ways that you can get a moment to breathe. Take your designated lunch break away from your desk. Turn off your mind and read a book for thirty minutes. Plan dinner for the week ahead to minimize the 5 pm stress of what you'll cook. Stop for a moment...literally, and smell the coffee. It is Monday morning and you may have the blues but there is thanksgiving in everything. Be grateful for your job. Be thankful for your family. Give thanks for your responsibilities. Appreciate the things that you may find irritating. Turn those blues into thanksgiving and just maybe it will shape not only your day but your week differently.

Ase.

I guess that should read, the day my husband and I got into a disagreement; but I realized it was my ego that did the attacking..and thus I blame her!

Here's what happened and how I was able to slay my ego and save the day...

I have been vegetarian for almost twenty years. I made a "logical" decision to become vegetarian when I became old enough to decide what my mother could not make me eat. My very vivid imagination had always led me down a path of destruction and in the area of meat in was no exception. Each time I would imagine eating a piece of turkey I could see "that little garble thing on its neck" and that would GROSS me out! I never had a lofty and noble reason for not eating meat; it was just nasty to me.

My son is not a vegetarian. He was breast fed up until almost two years old. He never drank formula and he never liked baby food. When I think back it seems he went from breast milk to broccoli to.....chicken nuggets. That's right....chicken nuggets. My ex husband who was a staunch vegan at the time decided it was time to start eating meat again and I came home one day to hear my son had eaten chicken. I didn't make a big deal out of it because I'd never made a real significant decision either way when it came to him eating certain kinds of meat.

Fast forward to the day in question when my ego and my husband got into it. My husband is also vegetarian. He hasn't always been but for the past year or so he has. He wants Yums to also become vegetarian for the sake of uniformity in our home in addition for a healthier lifestyle. Despite the fact that eating meat is not a big deal to me I vehemently opposed this idea. In my opinion my son eats healthy already and a healthier option would be incorporating more organic meats into his diet. We went back and forth on this....if I were a fly on the wall it would have been pretty comedic. After all, I'm a vegetarian so wouldn't it stand that my son would be one too?

Eventually I saw the culprit in this disagreement. It was my overly fed and gluttonous ego. The ego is fixed on ideas that it believes in and has difficulty being humble enough to entertain any other idea. It is grandiose and narcissistic and loves nothing more than to be right; this is even at the sake of learning something new or trying something different. Once I stopped listening with my ego and listened with...the intention of what my husband was saying...I could hear clearly. He would like for us to explore a healthier lifestyle; as simple as that.

If we really think about it and if we're honest enough to admit it, most of our disagreements stem from our pesky ego. We have an addictive need to be right all of the time and this can lead to misery and mayhem.
In the end I kicked my ego's butt and my husband and I were able to lovingly resolve our disagreement. The next time my ego raises it's narcissistic head I'll recognize it before it has time to disturb the peace in my home.