A few weeks ago we went to church. It's not a regular ritual but sometimes the spirit moves and I'm inclined to go where I'm led. On this particular day the speaker was speaking about fears. He asked each of us to place in a basket what our deepest fear was. I knew almost immediately what mine was....
The idea of living in fear on a daily basis.
Fear,for me, has been a constant. As a child my father would laugh and say I was scared of my own shadow. As a wife, my hubby often remarks that I'm the "scariest", meaning most fearful of everything, person that he knows. We laugh about it but the truth to that statement is eye opening.
My fear runs the gamut from lizards, although I grew up on an island, to death. I live in fear that my marriage could end. My children could die. I could lose my job. I could lose my house. I could lose my health. I could lose me. The slightest provocation that hints to one of my fears can send me into an anxiety driven emotional roller coaster.
It's hard to live like this. I know this. I work on the things that scare me on a daily basis...being confrontational and direct...learning to drive a stick shift...jumping into 7 feet of water although I can't swim...knowing that my husband truly loves me and isn't going anywhere...believing that if I were to die my children would be ok...believing that everything that is for me I either have or will have.
But the one thing I want most is to live life fear free. I want to lose myself in the reality that life is not a scary place. Yes, things happen...bad things happen to good people...etc. but they have not happened to me. My perpetual state of "what if" doesn't allow me truly enjoy the little and big moments of life.
What if I truly lived this one life free from the things that haunt me? What if allowed life to show me its beauty? What if I allowed my happy moments to be...knowing that happiness is compromised of moments...one experience to the next. What if I trusted the now? What if I believed that the past is over and I have nothing to fear from it. The present is perfect and serene and the future will be just that....what is to come.
And the big bad monster that hides behind my emotional doors doesn't have to exist. My joy, my happiness, my peace and bliss can dispel that monster. I know this....now I have to live it...
The idea of living in fear on a daily basis.
Fear,for me, has been a constant. As a child my father would laugh and say I was scared of my own shadow. As a wife, my hubby often remarks that I'm the "scariest", meaning most fearful of everything, person that he knows. We laugh about it but the truth to that statement is eye opening.
My fear runs the gamut from lizards, although I grew up on an island, to death. I live in fear that my marriage could end. My children could die. I could lose my job. I could lose my house. I could lose my health. I could lose me. The slightest provocation that hints to one of my fears can send me into an anxiety driven emotional roller coaster.
It's hard to live like this. I know this. I work on the things that scare me on a daily basis...being confrontational and direct...learning to drive a stick shift...jumping into 7 feet of water although I can't swim...knowing that my husband truly loves me and isn't going anywhere...believing that if I were to die my children would be ok...believing that everything that is for me I either have or will have.
But the one thing I want most is to live life fear free. I want to lose myself in the reality that life is not a scary place. Yes, things happen...bad things happen to good people...etc. but they have not happened to me. My perpetual state of "what if" doesn't allow me truly enjoy the little and big moments of life.
What if I truly lived this one life free from the things that haunt me? What if allowed life to show me its beauty? What if I allowed my happy moments to be...knowing that happiness is compromised of moments...one experience to the next. What if I trusted the now? What if I believed that the past is over and I have nothing to fear from it. The present is perfect and serene and the future will be just that....what is to come.
And the big bad monster that hides behind my emotional doors doesn't have to exist. My joy, my happiness, my peace and bliss can dispel that monster. I know this....now I have to live it...
Well...you aren't alone. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes I think I sabotage certain situations because I expect a particular outcome. I fear that things won't end up the way I want but rather in some disaster. The truth is I can't control all of the outside factors but I can control myself and how I respond to challenges or just everyday life. It's hard to let go of fear. I struggle with it every day especially in my marriage and as it relates to my son. I don't have any answers. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling that fear of the ______ (you can fill it in with anything) cripples so many of us from living the life that the Creator has for us. I know there is no easy way to let it go although I am sure God is with me and His Grace/Mercy stands in the gaps for me. I am thankful for each day I have to work towards having faith and knowing that things will be okay. My hope is that our departure from living in fear will lead us to know the peace that He has for us. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to find that peace. His peace. Be well...Tamme
Thanks so much for leaving that comment! Many times I do feel like I'm alone in this place of fear. I don't think it's the way to live life and I'm striving for that peace...