from the Gates of Prayer: The New Union Jewish Prayer Book
"Make every effor to pray from the heart.
Even if you do not succeed,
in the eyes of the Lord the
effort is precious."
My girlfriend, Juanita, is beautiful to me. She is radiant. She exudes brilliance. She is edgy and raw and gifted. She is every woman and yet a unique woman. She is strong and loving. She is fearless as well as scared. She is a mother. I don't even believe she knows how lovely she is. I wish the world could see her and know her the way I do. My friend, Juanita. A woman who looks like me who I find beautiul.
I had an interesting dialogue today about following your heart or your mind in the matters of the heart. My belief is that we must follow both; there must be a careful balance in order to achieve a healthy attachment. I ran across this article that I thought summed up this discussion perfectly.
LOVE IS BLIND It all started with a collection of my hurt and dismayed patients who thought they had the best partner, only later to discover that they had either overlooked or minimized significant problems. I was in the habit of asking them to look back on the early stages of their relationship and tell me if they could see any signs of these problems. Invariably, they said yes. Haven’t you wondered why so many people overlook issues and differences in their dating relationships only to have them plague their marriages years later? You are dumbfounded when your friend forgives her boyfriend (or his girlfriend) for that destructive and repeating pattern of behavior that everyone else can see… but then it happens to you. You become struck by love and everything blurs. Not until after a breakup (or sometimes after the wedding) does the light bulb come on, and then you feel really stupid because all those warning signals you ignored in the beginning of the relationship seem so clear in hindsight. Why is it that love is blind?Two reasons emerged when I asked my disillusioned patients why they did not pay attention to those early warning signals. Combined, they capture the essence of what causes the love is blind syndrome.First, many said, “If I only knew then what I know now.” They lacked the head knowledge of what to look for in a prospective partner. It is not surprising that most of us are greatly misinformed about the characteristics that predict marriage-material, seeing that few of us have ever been formally taught about relationships. Our classrooms have been our families, friends, romantic movies, trashy novels, and our own trial and error experiences. While some of you gained clarity on this subject from matriculating through these courses, most have become more confused and apprehensive. As my curiosity deepened I started digging through the annals of research on love, romance, dating, mate selection, and predictors of satisfaction in marriage. I read more than a thousand articles, dozens of self-help books, and endless writings from popular magazines. I had taught advanced marriage and family graduate coursework and was well aware of the plethora of research on the premarital predictors of marital happiness. I pored over these studies and found that most of the predictors grouped into five categories:• Compatibility potential, including the balance between the similarities and differences of personality, values and interests between you and this person. In other words, how you “fit together.”• Relationship skills, including communication, openness, conflict management and resolution, and others.• Patterns from other relationships, including both relationship patterns from other romantic and non-romantic relationships.• Family patterns and background, including the quality of parental marriage, the family’s expression of affection and emotion, development of roles, and interaction patterns.• Character and conscience traits, including the emotional health and the maturity of conscience.The first two categories are fairly obvious and likely to be identified and understood early in a new relationship. The other three, however, are more subtle and usually remain hidden for much of the premarital time. It was these three categories that were most often referred to as being overlooked by my dissatisfied and reflective patients.The second reason that these patients minimized crucial signs of problems was summed up in a phrase I most often heard them say while sighing- “I guess I was just too much in love.” Rather than lacking an understanding of their partner, they experienced an over-developed emotional attachment that resulted in a severing their head from their heart. Embedded in this latter reason were thoughts like “things will get better,” and “I know this is a problem but he/she loves me, and that is all that matters.” I refer to this as a lack of heart knowledge.We can laugh when we see this kind of over attachment in popular television programs about singles because we relate to them. But the sobering reality is not funny at all, especially if you’ve been in a series of relationships that felt like true love but ended up as anything but.
We need fresh air, water and sunshine to breathe. We need fresh fruits and veggies to grow and we need love to survive. We cannot live without these things. We will wither and die, literally. We want bigger homes, fancier cars and brand name clothing to show what we have. We want fast foods and alcohol to feel better. We can live without these things. They don't sustain our growth. The concept of needs versus wants is so simple yet we work so hard for our wants and take our needs for granted. And yet caring for our needs will keep us healthy. Green leafy vegetables can help to keep cancer and other illnesses away. Yet we long for greasy fries and milkshakes which will put unnecessary weight on us and contribute to sickness. We need to start the practice of paying attention to what our needs are and be diligent in having them met. We will grow wholistically in the process and create more balance in our lives.
Spring has sprung and here I go in love again. With the changing of the seasons I fall in love with the endings and beginnings. The end of one climate in my life and the beginning of another. And so I fall in love with the possibilities. I fall in love with the fresh new flowers popping up everywhere; the butterflies flitting by happily. I fall in love with the prospects of picnics and sundresses and time at the beach. I fall in love with these things because they mean something to me. The significance of starting all over fills me with joy and beauty and I get excited about the birth of a new era in my life. I love falling in love with these things and recognizing that they won't be around forever but I will enjoy them while they're here and prepare for the next season when I will fall in love all over again.....
I saw the most beautiful rainbow last evening. It seemed to appear out of nowhere but it was crystal clear in the sky and gave me goose bumps looking at it. Later that night it rained and stormed terribly and today it's summer skies and beautiful! Life can be like that. Out of nowhere a beautiful surpise like a rainbow and then difficulties and fears like a storm and then easy going and lovely like a spring day. If we/I remember this will it make dealing with issues easier? I would like to believe so but in the moment we tend to get stuck on the stormy skies and thunder. We never think they'll be another pretty day when in fact blue skies will always follow a storm. I want to appreciate wonderful surprises like rainbows and know that my pot of gold may be a lesson well learnt, a delightful experience or a precious memory. Despite any changes remember to enjoy the many moments of your life.
Children automatically invoke joy. Regardless of your mood or despondency they have a way of bringing light and energy and tons of smiles. You can't help but feel happy when you see big innocent eyes, little fat legs learning to crawl, or 9 year olds who are "weight lifting." :-) Playing the wii with them or uno or patty cake are all fun activities. It's a simple and yet beautiful way of feeling joyful. Find a child to play with today.
