This is my second marriage. The first one lasted for a tumultuous 4 years; 2 of which we actually lived together. He fathered my son, my wonderful 11 year old that I would give my heart to if he needed it. There was so much in that marriage that taught me. I loved hard and I learned hard and today I don't speak to him.
So in getting married for another time I became afraid. Although I've loved my husband for as far back as I've known him I was scared. I was terrified of the "what ifs". My what ifs were actual experiences for me. I knew what it felt like for a husband to leave. For him to declare he didn't want "to do this anymore." I knew the sound of a door closing for the last time. Those were real life experiences; not anxiety soaked fears.
I'm still a newlywed but in the following days of my nuptials I felt fear that this bad thing called divorce could happen again. I was struck by the fact that it.could.happen.again. And then what would I do? I let my fears hold me hostage for a few days and for no reason.
What I learned from my first marriage was that marriage actually takes work. Marriage actually takes forethought; it requires preparation. It isn't a dress rehearsal for someone you're having a good time with but you couldn't imagine having children with. It's being with someone and wishing you could bear their child, even if it meant 36 long hours of labor and stretch marks to your knees. It is forever. It demands that you trust each other.
Marriage makes you admit YOUR faults and shortcomings. It changes you. It requires that you actually like..not just love...your spouse. It is a decision. It is a choice. The kind of marriage you have is a daily choice. You are responsible for what your marriage looks like; how it grows; whether it flourishes and if it will die.
I also learned that marriage is actually fun. There should be private jokes between the two of you; times when you laugh so hard you almost pee on yourself. It's finding the silliness in each other and giggling at times when you shouldn't. It's having your best friend around all of the time with the perks of having sex with them! It's exploring and growing and learning....together.
I learned that. I had to remind myself that I learned these valuable lessons in my first marriage to help me understand what a marriage is and what I needed to do to achieve success. Throughout the past few weeks of being a Mrs my anxiety has subsided. Slowly but surely it is falling to the wayside. I realize that I have all the power in me to grow old with my Mr.
So on the topic of remarriage....use the lessons you learned. Forgive your spouse even though it is difficult. Let go of your painful memories. Grow into your new memories and embrace them. Be thankful for those experiences that helped you to become the spouse you are today. I have, and for this I am so grateful....
So in getting married for another time I became afraid. Although I've loved my husband for as far back as I've known him I was scared. I was terrified of the "what ifs". My what ifs were actual experiences for me. I knew what it felt like for a husband to leave. For him to declare he didn't want "to do this anymore." I knew the sound of a door closing for the last time. Those were real life experiences; not anxiety soaked fears.
I'm still a newlywed but in the following days of my nuptials I felt fear that this bad thing called divorce could happen again. I was struck by the fact that it.could.happen.again. And then what would I do? I let my fears hold me hostage for a few days and for no reason.
What I learned from my first marriage was that marriage actually takes work. Marriage actually takes forethought; it requires preparation. It isn't a dress rehearsal for someone you're having a good time with but you couldn't imagine having children with. It's being with someone and wishing you could bear their child, even if it meant 36 long hours of labor and stretch marks to your knees. It is forever. It demands that you trust each other.
Marriage makes you admit YOUR faults and shortcomings. It changes you. It requires that you actually like..not just love...your spouse. It is a decision. It is a choice. The kind of marriage you have is a daily choice. You are responsible for what your marriage looks like; how it grows; whether it flourishes and if it will die.
I also learned that marriage is actually fun. There should be private jokes between the two of you; times when you laugh so hard you almost pee on yourself. It's finding the silliness in each other and giggling at times when you shouldn't. It's having your best friend around all of the time with the perks of having sex with them! It's exploring and growing and learning....together.
I learned that. I had to remind myself that I learned these valuable lessons in my first marriage to help me understand what a marriage is and what I needed to do to achieve success. Throughout the past few weeks of being a Mrs my anxiety has subsided. Slowly but surely it is falling to the wayside. I realize that I have all the power in me to grow old with my Mr.
So on the topic of remarriage....use the lessons you learned. Forgive your spouse even though it is difficult. Let go of your painful memories. Grow into your new memories and embrace them. Be thankful for those experiences that helped you to become the spouse you are today. I have, and for this I am so grateful....
Okay, I can’t say it enough…I love this post and I love this blog! I agree with you completely and thank you for choosing to share your “Ah ha” moment. I too understand the panic you must've felt as you accepted the invitation to be vulnerable again.
When I remarried I thought I had conquered my fears of abandonment. I was proud—I survived an unhealthy marriage without “baggage”! Unfortunately, as my love for my husband grew, my fears grew tripling into panic. I realized that this wonderful man, whom I love with all of my soul, could leave me. What in the world! I was so disappointing in myself. I knew that I couldn't have a healthy marriage while in a constant state of fear, but I couldn't stop the tremors.
I (we) had to regroup and I shared my resurfaced fear with my husband. With reassuring affection, he began to wash me with his love, patience, and prayers so that I could give my fear of abandonment and distrust, to the Lord (again). My husband loved me into this wonderful place of vulnerability and loss of control. I couldn't carry my bags any longer; I had to hand them over to someone, something bigger than I. Thank you Jesus!
I agree, marriage is work but oftentimes people assume the work starts with their spouse. I work at me everyday and, at times, that work can shake me to my core. I’m convinced divorce happens because most people can’t handle the job. Searching and accepting the person in the mirror can be both arduous and chilling. Some choose to avoid self-examination fearing emotional intelligence—they quit, run, or loose themselves in another relationship; unable to comprehend that they are the common denominator. Admittedly, I have stopped the painful task of self-examination many times, but Oh the joy in deliverance and new beginnings! Now that I know who I am and what my issues are, I can choose a difference path—a different circumstance. I thank God for His wisdom, a wonderful husband, and the lifelong gift/opportunity to work on me.
Thanks again Eclectic Butterfly for sharing your thoughts with us! I love hearing about your wonderful marriage!
-EB
I got chills reading this comment because I thought I was alone in these feelings. Everyday I work on me too and the self destructive thoughts that want to run crazy in my head. Thanks for sharing and relating :-)